冷雨
秀才
Joined: 05 Nov 2010
Posts: 439
冷雨Collection |
 Posted: 2012-11-11 18:53:07 Post subject: 渔翁 |
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碧云送秋雁，芦花迎暮秋。
渔歌飞芦荡，网撒江中流。
夕阳入仓满，波光漾轻舟。 |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-13 13:19:38 Post subject: |
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| 诗情画意 |
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冷雨
秀才
Joined: 05 Nov 2010
Posts: 439
冷雨Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-13 20:03:05 Post subject: |
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| 问好白水！以后的点评冷雨不需要鼓励，这样才能看清自己！ |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-13 22:45:36 Post subject: |
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雨好，
床前明月光，疑是地上霜。
举头望明月，低头思故乡。
没有结句点睛，前面的诗情画意便盲了  |
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黄洋界
探花
Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-14 00:24:19 Post subject: |
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冷雨君这首古体，写得轻快，结句含蓄地
描写了渔翁喜悦的收获。
一二句尚可推敲，“秋雁”已点明秋令，
第二句再用“暮秋”，就显得重复了。
仅供参考。
_________________
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喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰 |
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冷雨
秀才
Joined: 05 Nov 2010
Posts: 439
冷雨Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-14 20:41:19 Post subject: |
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| 问好白水！这首诗没有结句点睛，冷雨回去打开窗户要好好想想！现在正在工作。 |
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冷雨
秀才
Joined: 05 Nov 2010
Posts: 439
冷雨Collection |
| Posted: 2012-11-14 20:56:56 Post subject: |
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| 谢谢黄老指点！ |
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