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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

叫谁的名字

骨笛
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-03-02 23:22:52 Post subject: 叫谁的名字

朱漆斑驳的栅门轻轻掩着树和鸟影亮得很近暗得很远的阳光亲近与疏远的碎香被风吹响，哗啦啦春天里，微微发颤怀想中开启当时灯火通明的木屋随便采下一段目光乱作一地光影很温柔很缠绵的表情叫谁的名字发黄的墙壁昔日昭君的鞍辔悬于箫声喜欢的那件红披风醉了的故事纷纷的齿印和唇纹我无力抗拒遥远的火炉，余温未消的细节穿过我的身体苦心敲打的名字却很难完整面对镜子一晃而过的穿堂风涌起丝丝陈香睫毛上滚落青苔满窗时间就在这里，打了个结锈蚀斑斑的歌声以及晚祷落在哪家檐下是否和我一样叫谁的名字 _________________ 我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2009-03-03 21:28:37 Post subject:

细腻优美，色彩斑斓 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2009-03-03 22:16:34 Post subject:

情绪不错，稍显冗杂，还可精炼。10行能解决的绝不用11行。个见。 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

安红红
同进士出身

Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection

Posted: 2009-03-04 06:57:13 Post subject:

或读或看或沉思～都会被一些词一些景一些人或事唤醒内心的动词～那是我们未经历的却象前世经历的情景～模糊或清晰～打马而过～扬起轻尘～灰尘也美～诗歌柔婉意象纷呈～问好骨迪～ _________________ 如果不开始，会失去过程。 QQ：3972083 微信：qisebaihuayuan

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2009-03-05 04:34:23 Post subject:

苦心敲打的名字却很难完整

阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2009-03-05 04:42:44 Post subject:

时间就在这里,打了个结问好! _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-03-06 05:28:57 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

细腻优美，色彩斑斓

感谢阅读
_________________
我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

骨笛
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-03-06 05:32:49 Post subject:

安红红 wrote:

或读或看或沉思～都会被一些词一些景一些人或事唤醒内心的动词～那是我们未经历的却象前世经历的情景～模糊或清晰～打马而过～扬起轻尘～灰尘也美～诗歌柔婉意象纷呈～
...

问好红红。说得我

_________________
我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-03-06 05:39:55 Post subject: 来瘦瘦身

韩少君 wrote:

情绪不错，稍显冗杂，还可精炼。10行能解决的绝不用11行。个见。

谢少君指点。
_________________
我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

骨笛
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-03-06 05:50:25 Post subject:

朱漆斑驳的栅门轻轻掩着树和鸟影亮得很近暗得很远的阳光被风吹响，哗啦啦怀想中开启当时灯火通明的木屋随便采下一段目光很温柔很缠绵的叫谁的名字发黄的墙壁昔日昭君的鞍辔悬于箫声喜欢的那件红披风醉了的故事我无力抗拒遥远的火炉，余温未消的细节穿过我的身体却很难完整一晃而过的穿堂风涌起丝丝陈香睫毛上滚落青苔满窗时间就在这里，打了个结锈蚀斑斑的歌声以及晚祷叫谁的名字瘦瘦身。诸友再点拔。谢。问候白水和阿依琼裙 _________________ 我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

骨笛
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-05-05 22:20:52 Post subject:

再批批 _________________ 我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2009-05-06 04:53:08 Post subject:

骨笛：叫谁的名字朱漆斑驳的栅门轻轻掩着。阳光亮在近处风吹响树叶的鸟影哗啦，哗啦。推开怀想的闸门在灯火通明的木屋随意采下一节目光很温柔很缠绵的叫谁的名字感觉你的语序和表达上有问题，冒昧替你改了两段，请别见怪~

骨笛
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection

Posted: 2009-05-07 22:30:40 Post subject:

真心谢谢明月。细细揣摹中。谢谢。 _________________ 我把天空装在我家里，鸟儿天空中飞来飞去

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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