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叫谁的名字
骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 23:22:52    Post subject: 叫谁的名字 Reply with quote

朱漆斑驳的栅门
轻轻掩着
树和鸟影
亮得很近暗得很远的阳光
亲近与疏远的碎香
被风吹响,哗啦啦
春天里,微微发颤

怀想中开启
当时灯火通明的木屋
随便采下一段目光
乱作一地光影
很温柔很缠绵的表情
叫谁的名字

发黄的墙壁
昔日昭君的鞍辔
悬于箫声
喜欢的那件红披风
醉了的故事
纷纷的齿印和唇纹
我无力抗拒

遥远的火炉,余温未消的细节
穿过我的身体
苦心敲打的名字
却很难完整

面对镜子
一晃而过的穿堂风
涌起丝丝陈香
睫毛上滚落

青苔满窗
时间就在这里,打了个结
锈蚀斑斑的歌声以及晚祷
落在哪家檐下
是否和我一样
叫谁的名字
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nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2009-03-03 21:28:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

细腻优美,色彩斑斓
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韩少君
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Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-03 22:16:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

情绪不错,稍显冗杂,还可精炼。10行能解决的 绝不用11行。个见。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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安红红
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Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

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PostPosted: 2009-03-04 06:57:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

或读或看或沉思~都会被一些词一些景一些人或事唤醒内心的动词~那是我们未经历的却象前世经历的情景~模糊或清晰~打马而过~扬起轻尘~灰尘也美~诗歌柔婉意象纷呈~

问好骨迪~
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-05 04:34:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

苦心敲打的名字
却很难完整
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阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-05 04:42:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

时间就在这里,打了个结


问好!
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-06 05:28:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

nobody wrote:
细腻优美,色彩斑斓

感谢阅读
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-06 05:32:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

安红红 wrote:
或读或看或沉思~都会被一些词一些景一些人或事唤醒内心的动词~那是我们未经历的却象前世经历的情景~模糊或清晰~打马而过~扬起轻尘~灰尘也美~诗歌柔婉意象纷呈~
...

问好红红。说得我 Embarassed
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-06 05:39:55    Post subject: 来瘦瘦身 Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
情绪不错,稍显冗杂,还可精炼。10行能解决的 绝不用11行。个见。

谢少君指点。
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-06 05:50:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

朱漆斑驳的栅门
轻轻掩着
树和鸟影
亮得很近暗得很远的阳光
被风吹响,哗啦啦

怀想中开启
当时灯火通明的木屋
随便采下一段目光
很温柔很缠绵的
叫谁的名字

发黄的墙壁
昔日昭君的鞍辔
悬于箫声
喜欢的那件红披风
醉了的故事
我无力抗拒

遥远的火炉,余温未消的细节
穿过我的身体
却很难完整

一晃而过的穿堂风
涌起丝丝陈香
睫毛上滚落

青苔满窗
时间就在这里,打了个结
锈蚀斑斑的歌声以及晚祷
叫谁的名字


瘦瘦身。 诸友再点拔。谢。
问候白水和阿依琼裙
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-05 22:20:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

再批批
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

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PostPosted: 2009-05-06 04:53:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

骨笛:叫谁的名字

朱漆斑驳的栅门
轻轻掩着。
阳光亮在近处
风吹响树叶的鸟影
哗啦,哗啦。

推开怀想的闸门
在灯火通明的木屋
随意采下一节目光
很温柔很缠绵的
叫谁的名字


感觉你的语序和表达上有问题,冒昧替你改了两段,请别见怪~
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骨笛
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-07 22:30:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

真心谢谢明月。细细揣摹中。谢谢。
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