Maple Review :: View topic - [原创双语诗] 鸟 birds

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Maple Review Home -> 西方文学　Western Literature

[原创双语诗] 鸟 birds

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2007-11-15 23:44:42 Post subject: [原创双语诗] 鸟 birds

鸟白天在枝上唱歌跳舞夜晚在枝上做梦筑巢不是营造安乐窝只孵化飞翔的新生命叫醒春天的嫩芽忍受歪风和苦雨活着就是给花木除害顺便也为花朵做媒俯览山河的沧桑给人们仰望的身影难道老死还在飞翔谁见过地上的鸟尸 Birds Sing and dance on branches at day Dream on branches at night Make nests not for comfortable homes Only hatch the flying babies Waken the buds of Spring Stand the strong wind and cold rain Live to dispel the pests of flowers and trees Also to match the flowers in passing Read the changes of hills and rivers Show people the soaring images Are they still flying when died Who can see the overground dead birds _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2007-11-25 04:13:17 Post subject:

自改一次，盼君批评。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

俞伟远
秀才

Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Posts: 282

俞伟远Collection

Posted: 2008-01-25 23:51:14 Post subject:

学习.问好 _________________ 俞伟远：１９６７生，１９８７大学毕业、工作。19９０年后几乎与诗绝缘，2006年春重拾笔，感悟生活，凝望心灵，自得其乐。http://blog.sina.com.cn/txyuweiyuan

溪语
秀才

Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection

Posted: 2008-02-20 07:30:26 Post subject:

问好 _________________ 溪语的博客:家住鄂西

灯台小老鼠
童生

Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 82
Location: 中国广东广州
灯台小老鼠Collection

Posted: 2008-02-21 05:03:55 Post subject:

取材很好,如果限定一类特定鸟是否更好?

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-02-21 21:26:57 Post subject:

问好俞伟远、溪语和灯台小老鼠！有意写所有的鸟，这样诗意才有“普视性”。其实还是写“人”，写一些人的生活境界。又改了一点：做巢不是安家 ---- 做巢不是营造安乐窝只是孵化飞翔的生命----只是孵化飞翔的新生命 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

kino
秀才

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 411
Location: beijing
kinoCollection

Posted: 2008-02-23 23:47:01 Post subject:

觉得在叙述上还是过于直白，没有留下诗的空间，或者说张力。

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-02-24 17:00:28 Post subject:

感谢kino君的直言！你说的是实情，此诗表现手法比较传统，主要用白描。请你读一下拙诗《碗》，可能有张力。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

kino
秀才

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 411
Location: beijing
kinoCollection

Posted: 2008-02-25 05:34:29 Post subject:

查看了你的文集，可惜没有翻到《碗》这首。能否发到我邮箱拜读？kinolee@tom.com

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-02-27 18:36:48 Post subject:

可能发在<<澳洲彩虹鹦>>了，我把它发出来，请诸君高要求，多提不足之处。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

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