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Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社

倾斜

啥么
秀才

Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection

Posted: 2008-01-18 20:11:14 Post subject: 倾斜

第一笔就被风吹斜了接着无论多少都不能从散乱中理出头绪于是烦恼随万千的丝奔窜不已我找不到一根可以理清它们的绳子倾斜，让我翻过山的背面还是倾斜着的连连绵绵的山在交叉的线中没有地平线只有山风的姿意 _________________ 这有点麻烦

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-01-18 20:50:02 Post subject:

咱们做个交易，您评论（落尘）内的字数总和，相等于我想谈谈这首作品。OK _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

啥么
秀才

Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection

Posted: 2008-01-18 22:20:06 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

咱们做个交易，您评论（落尘）内的字数总和，相等于我想谈谈这首作品。OK

过去还是未来？如果是过去，这个交易已经完成，如果是未来，那有可能你要有数不清的字要写.

一时还辨八清南北，看点点面上盗兄多包涵~
_________________
这有点麻烦

点点儿
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Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 413
Location: 眇小的地球
点点儿Collection

Posted: 2008-01-18 22:52:42 Post subject:

啥么 wrote:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

咱们做个交易，您评论（落尘）内的字数总和，相等于我想谈谈这首作品。OK

过去还是未来？如果是过去，这个交易已经完成，如果是未来，那有可能你要有数不清的字要写.
...

您的话偶看懂了

。道道儿的话怎么那么拽，给翻译翻译好不好 Razz

_________________
－－－其实你永远不懂我的心－－－

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 00:15:15 Post subject:

还是倾斜着的连连绵绵的山 ——找毛病，觉得这里读着有点拗口，主要是两个“的”，特别是后面带叠词的！

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 03:15:27 Post subject:

啥么 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

咱们做个交易，您评论（落尘）内的字数总和，相等于我想谈谈这首作品。OK

过去还是未来？如果是过去，这个交易已经完成，如果是未来，那有可能你要有数不清的字要写.
...

哈！吓俺～好吧，俺被你吓着了！别说卖点点的人情，您能造访，已经给足了落尘面子。觉得您的作品与这里满契合，或许往后更能如鱼得水。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

博弈
榜眼

Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 13:19:46 Post subject:

這首不錯滴. 感覺比較認真些. _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

点点儿
秀才

Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 413
Location: 眇小的地球
点点儿Collection

Posted: 2008-01-20 08:42:52 Post subject:

坐正坐正，时间长了可以出去放放风儿窗外阳光明媚了。。。 _________________ －－－其实你永远不懂我的心－－－

红袖添乱
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Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 778

红袖添乱Collection

Posted: 2008-01-20 23:34:02 Post subject:

挺好看的。一笔一笔来吧。斜着也是一种体。不要绳子绑。用筷子。 _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

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