Women Home Alone 留守女士

[Lake]

Women Home Alone

They sit themselves comfortably around the table. Snacks and wine served. Chitchat – rebellious teenagers, housing market, fitness, healthy foods… The lights shine brighter, house warmer, as each tells her story. One jokes that she’s regretful that she’s never experienced the taste of Tan Lian Ai. “Now you have the chance”, others tease her. Another proclaims she’s had the roof changed, kitchen remodeled right before the first snow. Then a soft voice floats in the air: “Since my husband left me, my children went to college, I’ve survived a stomach cancer. Now I have nothing to fear.” The stories draw them closer. Outside, the ice dam is forming thick on the eaves. Is the gutter strong enough to hold?

window panes a’frost
a glass of tears and laughter
toast to Joy Luck Club


留守女士

她们围着桌子舒适地坐下。 桌上有小吃和葡萄酒。 闲聊起来 – 逆反的青少年、房屋市场、健身、健康食品 ……每个人都在讲自己的故事， 灯光越发明亮，室内更加温暖。一人开玩笑说：真后悔，这一辈子，从来都没尝过谈恋爱的滋味。 其他人打趣说，“ 现在有机会了。” 另一人骄傲地宣称： 她刚赶在第一场雪之前换好了房顶，翻新了厨房。这时，传来一个轻柔的声音：“自从我丈夫离开后，孩子们都上了大学；我患了胃癌，但死里逃生。现在没有什么可让我害怕的了。 ” 故事把她们的距离拉近。 室外， 屋檐上积聚了一层厚厚的冰坨。不知下水槽够不够结实，能否撑得住。


霜结玻璃窗
杯映泪花笑声淌
祝酒喜福会
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[白水]

感人之作.

[秋叶]

我这留守男士读您的《留守女士》就特别有共鸣啊

[nobody]

精彩！！！

这是Lake体啊，哈哈。
原来你也找到了地方扔

lake的中英俳，拿得出手也撑得住门面。
_________________
I'm nobody! Who are you?

[Lake]

[Lake]

[Lake]

[nobody]

[白水]

[Lake]

K 曾批评过我，“词句没有耐心选择哟”， 还说 “没有全韵”。。。
改过。 Nobody 给看看？

霜凝窗朦胧
杯映泪花笑声融
喜福会情浓


现在自学，要求不要太高。
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[nobody]

i'm in office right now.
没有全韵. I don't think kok really meant it. I'm not saying it's not important, just there're more important things to care about, e.g., (1)have we captured a cute moment/scene? this generally involves a surprising angle of view (2) are we using impressive words to describe the moment/scene?

(1) is the most important, kind of missing there. (2) is less important, also kind of missing. so, if I were you, I'd work on (1), then (2). Then, 韵, if it doesn't hurt (1) and (2).

just my two cents. doesn't mean I could do better. actually I was impressed reading your bilingual 俳文. it'd be something unique only for you!
_________________
I'm nobody! Who are you?

[Lake]

Nobody,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thanks for your candidness and your 1,2,3. I feel miserable the piece missed the important elements you mentioned. See, my starting point is really below zero, hard to catch up. Need to dive under the water for a while.

Many thanks,

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[nobody]

lake太可爱了. 担心是不是太直白了,但又想你是经得住考验的.果然.哈哈.很欣慰.没有看错人.

其实,刚才把英文版看了一下.觉得反而有味.所以觉得应该是先写的英文,后翻译的.这样倒也情有可原.因为很多,或者大部分,名诗译过来都没味了. 有人说诗就是在翻译中消失的东西.对很多作品来讲,确如是.当然对某些作品,诗就是在翻译中保留的部分. 你这首,属于前一类而已. 如果把它当作翻译作品来看的话, 或许不应当太挑剔,因为有constraint, 不能自由构思发挥. 会缺少novelty. 再加上17个字的constraint,就更不容易了.其实我刚才想自己翻译一下,但17个字,知难而退了.

你有条件探索双语写作.建议尝试做到真正双语"创作",让两者交相辉映,而不是一个是另一个的傀儡.不容易做到啊. 功底机缘都要有. 对了,觉得非马老师做的不错.

另,我不是专家.只是给点一般读者的反馈而已
_________________
I'm nobody! Who are you?

[Lake]

Nobody 的评语如同 Wisconsin 生产的西洋参 ，不寒也不热，温和适中，是一济补药呢。看来对中英诗写作也颇有一番心得，并难能可贵，提供出来交流。 谨致以诚挚的感谢！

_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[Lake]

I love the way this piece illustrates all the insignificant things that we worry about and contrasts it beautifully with the womens stomach cancer. It was a really moving piece and tells an awful lot of story in a very small amount of prose...reminds me of a nonotale. I really enjoyed it, very intense and lots of possibilities.

-Ilex
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins