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我的小诗——《夜行者》
陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-02-15 06:42:02    Post subject: 我的小诗——《夜行者》 Reply with quote

夜行者

祥子

各种色彩有序或无序地组合在你的眼里
欲望跳跃
是哪个孤独的夜行者
用脚步诠释着抽象,精神或理想或其他什么东西
远处谁家的狗在叫,纯粹无比
比不上数字时代的声响,淫乱或嘈杂
我说那欲望在跳跃是吧
都在一个边缘行走,互不相识
你也不知道你究竟害怕什么
走来走去,无人在意人是个什么东西
天上有永远的星星,纯粹得像那一声犬吠
天也不知道你烦恼
守望着陌生的目光
坚定下去,寻找忧郁的碎片,寻找没有话语的日子,寻找一个患病的童话,寻找燥热的秘密以及出走的理由
然后,用垂危的语言说明你的透明的脚步
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-02-15 06:47:24    Post subject: Reply with quote

请各位诗友点评指教,在下谢谢喽!
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白水
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PostPosted: 2007-02-15 07:18:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

语言成熟, 流畅. 读到了一个夜行者的沉思.

小建议, 排版上可把过长的句另起一行. 己见, 不妥见谅.
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-02-15 17:23:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢白水 Moonlight,过年好!
我想借那个长句子里表达一种强烈的感情.
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下一个偶像是野兽
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PostPosted: 2007-02-18 09:20:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

大段的密不透风的长句,可表现激烈的情绪。

呵呵。欣赏了。

问好。
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nobody
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PostPosted: 2007-02-19 04:22:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

陈若祥 wrote:
谢谢白水 Moonlight,过年好!
我想借那个长句子里表达一种强烈的感情.


看得出匠心。
不过,还是支持白水的建议。
另外,断开也够强够烈。 Laughing
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-02-20 23:59:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

过年回了老家一趟,刚回来,忙着来浏览帖子,谢谢各位的点评.再次向诸位拜年问好!
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changan
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PostPosted: 2007-05-07 02:34:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

"坚定下去,寻找忧郁的碎片,寻找没有话语的日子,寻找一个患病的童话,寻找燥热的秘密以及出走的理由
然后,用垂危的语言说明你的透明的脚步"
诗味甚浓!
主人公似乎在寻找一份真实、一份纯洁。
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博弈
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PostPosted: 2007-05-07 06:23:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

”纯粹得像那一声犬吠“ 得夜行者味。
总的来说,我觉得乱了些。
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-05-08 12:51:12    Post subject: Re: 我的小诗——《夜行者》 Reply with quote

陈若祥 wrote:
夜行者

祥子

各种色彩有序或无序地组合在你的眼里
欲望跳跃
是哪个孤独的夜行者
用脚步诠释着抽象,
精神或理想或其他什么东西
远处谁家的狗在叫,纯粹无比
比不上数字时代的声响,淫乱或嘈杂
我说那欲望在跳跃是吧
都在一个边缘行走,互不相识
你也不知道你究竟害怕什么
走来走去,无人在意人是个什么东西
天上有永远的星星,纯粹得像那一声犬吠
天也不知道你烦恼
守望着陌生的目光
坚定下去,寻找忧郁的碎片,寻找没有话语的日子,寻找一个患病的童话,寻找燥热的秘密以及出走的理由
然后,用垂危的语言说明你的透明的脚步




很后现代 的表达 ;))



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品玉
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PostPosted: 2007-05-08 17:25:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

"坚定下去,寻找忧郁的碎片,寻找没有话语的日子,寻找一个患病的童话,寻找燥热的秘密以及出走的理由
然后,用垂危的语言说明你的透明的脚步"
深处最真实的表白
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-13 04:35:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho和品玉二位的点评.
kokho说:"很后现代的表达."
的确,我在《夜行者》中力图运用后现代主义进行抒情,一种尝试.
我以为运用哪种手法都未尝不可,关键是要有诗味.
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无仑
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PostPosted: 2007-05-14 08:12:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗味很浓,歌者无意.......
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