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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

祭

阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 03:04:09 Post subject: 祭

祭九月三十日那一天的诀别将永远悬挂在一张薄脆的纸上苏醒过来的我饱含泪水把经年的结痂的疤痕变成秋天的遗骸赶在秋天结束之前连同玉米的秸秆送进灶膛燃烧其实终究会忘记一些事情的也一定是不能怀念的不能复述的不能以任何方式出现的不然：今日面颊的憔悴何以换成了从容连静默了许多个年头的兰花都化作了纤纤手指翻飞在眉尖发梢眼波的斜逸处化尘为舞绚然灿烂此后的日子我一无所有地幸福着身后阳光明媚 _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

乱弹者是我
童生

Joined: 05 Oct 2008
Posts: 19
Location: 广州
乱弹者是我Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 03:10:33 Post subject:

苏醒过来的我饱含泪水把经年的结痂的疤痕变成秋天的遗骸赶在秋天结束之前连同玉米的秸秆送进灶膛燃烧乱弹了一顿，还是将乱弹者是我送进灶膛燃烧吧，您呐，还是在此后的日子终有所得地幸福着身后阳光明媚阳光明媚

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 18:19:16 Post subject:

连静默了许多个年头的兰花都化作了纤纤手指翻飞在眉尖发梢眼波的斜逸处化尘为舞绚然灿烂

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 23:38:05 Post subject:

那一天的诀别将永远悬挂在一张薄脆的纸上 ——起势很猛。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-10-06 05:24:38 Post subject:

此后的日子我一无所有地幸福着身后阳光明媚读到痛！

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2008-10-07 03:56:03 Post subject:

何以如此之痛美丽名字应有美丽人生痛彻体验非常感觉 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

秀水
秀才

Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 221
Location: 山东聊城
秀水Collection

Posted: 2008-10-09 00:21:40 Post subject:

此后的日子我一无所有地幸福着身后阳光明媚 _________________问好阿依 _________________ 秀水：省青协会员.在《星星诗刊》《绿风》《诗选刊》《常青藤诗刊》等发表诗歌散文二百余篇。兼写童话。邮箱xshx100@163.com 秀水博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/feizoudeshui

赵福治
探花

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection

Posted: 2008-10-09 14:26:50 Post subject:

终究会忘记一些事情.

阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-10 17:25:37 Post subject:

乱弹者是我 wrote:

苏醒过来的我饱含泪水
...

也希望会终有所得～～谢！
_________________
踏过废墟,走来
http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-10 17:30:33 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

连静默了许多个年头的兰花都化作了纤纤手指
...

笑～～白水看到了我的兰花指～～
_________________
踏过废墟,走来
http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-10 17:34:41 Post subject:

杯中冲浪 wrote:

那一天的诀别

将永远悬挂在一张薄脆的纸上
——起势很猛。

谢杯中冲浪的点评～问好！
_________________
踏过废墟,走来
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阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-10 17:43:24 Post subject:

问好明月，少君，秀水和赵老师！愿意决绝割断去年这个日子之前的一切记忆！ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-10-11 15:06:53 Post subject:

问好阿依琼裙！时代不幸诗人幸，生活不幸诗歌幸。此为好诗，优点赞同诸君所言。对好诗来讲，我可能就有点苛刻了：应字句求精：“脆薄的纸上”，脆薄？ _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-10-11 17:58:00 Post subject:

问好周老师！非常感谢你的点评！脆薄？薄脆？哪个更为贴切？笑～把我自己绕住了～～北美枫最近在我的机子上不好打开，非常慢，动不动就是找不到服务器，很是郁闷！ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-10-12 15:09:43 Post subject:

脆薄是纸的共性，这里最好写出你的特定的感受、个性的纸来。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

上城
进士出身

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection

Posted: 2008-10-14 23:59:19 Post subject:

试看诗节的起句：那一天苏醒其实不然此后起、承、转、合，脉络清晰。回到诗题：祭。章法严谨。但诗要求应更高些。此首诗句是有些不够精炼。个性少了些，显得平淡了点。应该是在很柔和的心境下写出来的。 _________________ 每个诗人都很重要

晴宝儿
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Joined: 03 Jun 2008
Posts: 666

晴宝儿Collection

Posted: 2008-12-14 03:08:58 Post subject:

那一天的m诀别f 北美文学网来将永远悬挂在一张薄脆的纸上如题，记，怀念． _________________ 晴宝儿

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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