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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

七律。秋

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 21:38:52 Post subject: 七律。秋

风中一叶抱残春，雁字三声已破晨。别梦难弹流水曲，归乡何觅校书人？谁言寂寞终无主，自省情怀本是真。最怕心期无片据，几番烟雨几多尘。 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-10-06 05:04:10 Post subject:

"谁言寂寞终无主,自省情怀本是真" 对人生的感悟颇深啊! _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

野航
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Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection

Posted: 2008-10-06 13:59:05 Post subject:

原来你的律诗比词写得更好！更本真，更贴近。 _________________ 回归自然回归心灵回归传统

他乡客
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 487
Location: 加拿大.渥汰华 (Ottawa, Canada)
他乡客Collection

Posted: 2008-10-06 15:09:59 Post subject:

我倒觉得暗香的词更传神。如那首水调歌头　故园秋一叶与君落？一月为君明？秋寒薄寐惊梦，帘下晓风轻。空忆年前光景，争奈繁华悄逝，枯木伴孤灯。何日抱春满，还我草青青。前生恨，今世债，意难平。两三言语不尽，羞说这，倦伶仃。诗内清霜白露，诗外刀光剑影，负累在浮名。从此箫声乱，最怕少人听。对不起，暗香，我也擅自改了５个字。国庆节快乐。

晓松
举人

Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192

晓松Collection

Posted: 2008-10-06 17:31:28 Post subject:

同意以上各位的评价，暗香诗词的功夫不消说了，但我还想鸡蛋里挑点骨头：首句“风中一叶抱残春”，而题目为“秋”，好像跟“春”挨不上，因为中间隔着“夏”；另外“校书人“不知是指什么，是学校教书的人还是学校读书的人？“最怕心期无片据”有些费解.

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection

Posted: 2008-10-08 20:56:26 Post subject:

晓松 wrote:

同意以上各位的评价，暗香诗词的功夫不消说了，但我还想鸡蛋里挑点骨头：
...

是我没写好。本意是指发生在老家浙江的范蠡那段故事。汗.感谢老师指点.
_________________
http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection

Posted: 2008-10-08 20:58:38 Post subject:

他乡客 wrote:

我倒觉得暗香的词更传神。如那首水调歌头　故园秋

一叶与君落？一月为君明？秋寒薄寐惊梦，帘下晓风轻。空忆年前光景，争奈繁华悄逝，枯木伴孤灯。何日抱春满，还我草青青。前生恨，今世债，意难平。两三言语不尽，羞说这，倦伶仃。诗内清霜白露，诗外刀光剑影，负累在浮名。从此箫声乱，最怕少人听。

对不起，暗香，我也擅自改了５个字。国庆节快乐。 Razz

感谢老师指点

_________________
http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

暗香如沁
秀才

Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection

Posted: 2008-10-08 21:03:23 Post subject:

野航 wrote:

原来你的律诗比词写得更好！更本真，更贴近。

问好。感谢老师鼓励
_________________
http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection

Posted: 2008-10-08 21:05:02 Post subject:

黄洋界 wrote:

"谁言寂寞终无主,自省情怀本是真"

对人生的感悟颇深啊!

谢谢老师评阅.
_________________
http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

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