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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

夜雨

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-21 03:54:26 Post subject: 夜雨

守望着空蒙承认心事空洞实在自欺盛满黑的诗行在不远的铁轨上驶过淅沥着淋透天地路线:由远及近,又自近而远收捡是迟早的事比如此刻渐明的月色和着虫鸣静寂七月十六的夜明晨，滚满碧荷的液体决不念半句“清露泣香红” 便在晨曦里蒸发留给所有眼睛的，只有绿

沙漠
秀才

Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 977
Location: 中国温州
沙漠Collection

Posted: 2008-08-21 05:34:23 Post subject:

不错的描述和联想. _________________ 个人博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1056295180

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-23 04:33:28 Post subject:

问好,沙漠!

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-08-23 15:44:44 Post subject:

在第二节有一点“夜雨”的影子，其余好像和夜雨无关，何故？ _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

曲元奇
秀才

Joined: 01 Mar 2008
Posts: 427
Location: 山东
曲元奇Collection

Posted: 2008-08-23 18:36:15 Post subject:

第四段给读者留下悠长的想像好看

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-24 02:51:05 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

在第二节有一点“夜雨”的影子，其余好像和夜雨无关，何故？

道模兄好!
怎么无关呢!虽然这写的是七月十六晚的一场雨,但其实也是写情绪.一节当然是写雨前,或者说低落情绪的直接点明.二节的"远"暗示着雨的将停.三节不用与'远"联系紧密的"收敛"一词,而用"收捡",那么它就不是停留在写雨停了,而是写雨停后的一种情绪整理.整理的是什么呢?"比如"一词,说明要写的并不是当下的月色.(七月半是鬼节,民间有祭奠去世亲友的习俗.七月十六的月色是祭奠"逝者"后的一种情绪整理,)到底是什么?而三节没明写.但四节却有暗示,"滚满碧荷的液体",雨后荷叶上不是有水珠吗?下雨的时候,荷叶上雨水一个劲地打,那是凌乱的,而雨后的水珠在荷叶上滚来滚去地圆润着,剔透着.
四节更好理解了,“清露泣香红”即点出下雨的原因."不念半句"是情绪隐匿在夜,即夜雨之所以在"夜"发生的原因,"蒸发""留绿"更是整理即"收捡"的最终结果.----即过了这夜,没有人知道曾经有这么场雨的存在了.

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-24 02:56:21 Post subject:

看自己上面说得有点乱呢!呵呵! 谢谢曲元奇评点!问好!

遛达的七七
秀才

Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329

遛达的七七Collection

Posted: 2008-08-24 10:10:20 Post subject:

虽然不是直接的雨，雨的味道还是蛮足的

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-08-25 04:04:31 Post subject:

写得灵动隐美，学习了。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-28 03:19:48 Post subject:

七小姐 wrote:

虽然不是直接的雨，雨的味道还是蛮足的

有七七的这“蛮足”一词，荷梦心里乐开了花，呵呵！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-08-28 03:22:27 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

写得灵动隐美，学习了。

谢谢道模兄评阅！在诗歌方面，荷梦还是希望能得到你的指点！

溪语
秀才

Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection

Posted: 2008-08-28 14:38:09 Post subject:

留给所有眼睛的，只有绿 _________________ 溪语的博客:家住鄂西

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2008-08-31 04:07:05 Post subject:

非常灵动的描述～～ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-09-01 01:19:52 Post subject: 明晨，滚满碧荷的液体明晨，滚满碧荷的液体

明晨，滚满碧荷的液体决不念半句“清露泣香红” 便在晨曦里蒸发留给所有眼睛的，只有绿状态不错，后节结得好~问好荷梦!

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-09-01 06:38:33 Post subject:

留给所有眼睛的，只有绿的确雨后. 很好的观察.

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 04:33:17 Post subject:

溪语 wrote:

留给所有眼睛的，只有绿

好久不见,问候!

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 04:47:45 Post subject:

阿依琼裙 wrote:

非常灵动的描述～～

谢谢评读,问好阿依!

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 04:57:03 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

明晨，滚满碧荷的液体
...

现在又很久没写的冲动了呢！问好明月！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 05:06:45 Post subject: 2

白水 Moonlight wrote:

留给所有眼睛的，只有绿

的确雨后. 很好的观察.

谢谢白水评读得这么仔细，我近几个月来，上这里很困难呢！
还有奇怪的是，我的文集里有很多乱码，不知道怎么回事？

秀水
秀才

Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 221
Location: 山东聊城
秀水Collection

Posted: 2008-09-05 17:52:54 Post subject:

颀赏荷梦这首 _________________ 秀水：省青协会员.在《星星诗刊》《绿风》《诗选刊》《常青藤诗刊》等发表诗歌散文二百余篇。兼写童话。邮箱xshx100@163.com 秀水博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/feizoudeshui

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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