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山景
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-04 02:25:06    Post subject: 山景 Reply with quote
山景


青山远黛列长阵

芦苇近处荡风情

洼席绿地随坡流

蓝天白云任尔飞
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-04 19:35:18    Post subject: Reply with quote
月亮, 此诗意不错的. 但作为古体诗歌, 是有些韵律要求的. 如你不习惯没关系. 可先试1,2,4句尾押韵, 3句尾选仄声字. 再读点有关资料会很多帮助

http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=881
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-05 01:22:17    Post subject: Reply with quote
我看那个就头疼,等有时间了再学吧,这是以前写的~谢谢指点,问好! Very Happy
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莹雪
进士出身


Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-05 18:36:04    Post subject: Reply with quote
白水兄说得对，注意韵哦！
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暗香如沁
秀才


Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-05 20:22:52    Post subject: Reply with quote
其实稍微注意一下韵律的美感。应该写得跟不错呢。问好。
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-03-05 11:38:00    Post subject: Reply with quote
拜读　问好。。

。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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