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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

浅冬

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-02 14:05:07 Post subject: 浅冬

浅冬把月儿折弯, 系弦就是一张弓了如果搭上箭, 一定可以射出雷电和如丝的雨. 于是你的窗口就有了嫩柳儿, 发辫儿或几缕乡愁和思念有谁, 见过彈棉的绷子? 也如弓. 嗡嗡地哼着北风雪花一朵朵吹下来在笔端绽放冬季你的脸瞬间苍白我分明看见一束玫瑰, 一束榨干了血色的惨白的玫瑰从天堂坠落

月光情怀
秀才

Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 104
Location: 陕西·西安
月光情怀Collection

Posted: 2007-02-02 16:36:13 Post subject:

一束惨白的玫瑰从天堂坠落从此你娇艳如火的生命再也不能成为我的过客 _________________ 在心的残缺处去完整诗的美丽 QQ：33179345 msn:wuxizhuo123456@hotmail.com 个人主页：http://hi.baidu.com/xizhuo欢迎光临。

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2007-02-03 07:52:07 Post subject:

雪花一朵朵吹下来在笔端绽放你瞬间苍白的脸和玫瑰可以这样简化一下不要太圆满了缺，才能显出另一个圆满 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-03 08:28:33 Post subject:

看这样好吗? 浅冬把月儿折弯, 系弦就是一张弓了如果搭上箭, 一定可以射出雷电和如丝的雨. 于是你的窗口就有了嫩柳儿, 发辫儿或几缕乡愁和思念有谁, 见过彈棉的绷子? 也如弓. 嗡嗡地哼着北风雪花一朵朵吹下来在笔端绽放你的苍白

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-03 08:29:40 Post subject:

月光情怀 wrote:

一束
惨白的
玫瑰
从天堂坠落
从此
你娇艳如火
的生命
再也不能
成为
我的过客

谢谢你的小诗

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-02-04 02:57:38 Post subject:

改后是不错了，学习哈~

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2007-02-04 07:30:53 Post subject:

有情趣。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-04 16:49:25 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

改后是不错了，学习哈~ Very Happy

是吗? 谢谢你

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-04 16:50:03 Post subject:

杯中冲浪 wrote:

有情趣。

久不见了, 问好

刘雨萍
秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Houston, TX. U.S.A
刘雨萍Collection

Posted: 2007-02-05 07:11:08 Post subject: Re: 浅冬

白水 Moonlight wrote:

浅冬

把月儿折弯, 系弦
就是一张弓了
如果搭上箭, 一定可以
射出雷电和如丝的
雨. 于是你的窗口就有了
嫩柳儿, 发辫儿或
几缕乡愁和思念

这一节想象最丰富.喜欢
_________________
隔海抒情

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-09 16:16:20 Post subject: Re: 浅冬

刘雨萍 wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

浅冬

把月儿折弯, 系弦
就是一张弓了
如果搭上箭, 一定可以
射出雷电和如丝的
雨. 于是你的窗口就有了
嫩柳儿, 发辫儿或
几缕乡愁和思念

这一节想象最丰富.喜欢

谢谢雨萍

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-02-09 16:21:46 Post subject:

探讨: 在其他网, 我把此诗又改了点, 如下: 浅冬把月儿折弯, 系弦就是一张弓了如果搭上箭, 一定可以射出雷电和如丝的雨. 于是你的窗口就有了嫩柳儿, 发辫儿或几缕乡愁和思念有谁, 见过彈棉的绷子? 也如弓. 嗡嗡地哼着北风雪花一朵朵顺着笔端吹下来谁的脸瞬间苍白

三色堇
秀才

Joined: 25 Nov 2006
Posts: 148
Location: 西安
三色堇Collection

Posted: 2007-02-11 03:41:57 Post subject:

如此执着的对待诗歌,令我感动,问好老乡哦.

君子爱莲
童生

Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 88
Location: 中国重庆
君子爱莲Collection

Posted: 2007-02-12 07:45:55 Post subject:

学习中

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-02-12 22:16:31 Post subject:

唯美的诗歌，白水少有这样的喜好。提前送春节好 _________________ 《北美枫》司马策风文集 http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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