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<梧桐树下的扣眼儿>
迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-31 18:15:19    Post subject: <梧桐树下的扣眼儿> Reply with quote

在我的生日,他买了一条新的皮带
换下的旧皮带,后来
挂在我的腰间, 那是
我的要求, 上面有他的气息

晚间自习课
我和他逃回了已经熄灯的宿舍
就着后窗台的月光, 我解开了他皮带的扣眼儿
拉开了他牛仔裤的裤链

大学毕业前, 他最终拒绝了我对前途的一番规划
我仅仅要求能跟随他去他想去的地方
面对我的请求, 在我们第一次拥抱的梧桐树下
他做出了和我的约定:十年。

毕业十周年聚会晚宴, 他始终没能出现
我的泪水在十年往昔的闪回里悄然咽下
据说他离了婚……,据说他去了南方……
抚摸着旧皮带,我想寻找那梧桐树,却已经不见
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-31 19:46:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

上天不该将你生错,读了让人痛惜~
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-31 20:55:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

娓娓道来
一个错落有致的故事
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写诗是为了写更好的诗
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李智强
秀才


Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 169
Location: 莆田.福建.中国
李智强Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-31 22:45:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

品读了两遍,没明白```郁闷。。
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【狂到世人皆欲杀】
【醉来天子不能传】
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司马策风
举人


Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-31 23:11:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

小型的叙述诗。富有戏剧味。

个见:语言还可更简练些。例如“我不想在乎他是否会有他的婚姻 ”比较拗口。如果改

为:“我不在乎和他是否会有婚姻 ”似否会跟明白简短一点呢?

握手问好
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《北美枫》司马策风文集

http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-01 00:02:06    Post subject: 有区别 Reply with quote

1.问好李智强,这是"同性恋"题材的诗歌,作为实验性探索

2.司马策风先生好:

你的问题,我作个说明,我的原句跟你的有区别

"我不在乎"指心情轻松,或者"爱的并不深"

"我不想在乎"是指没有办法,自己说服自己,"想在乎"又能怎么样!
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