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天街上的孩子
钓月
秀才


Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-23 03:05:57    Post subject: 天街上的孩子 Reply with quote

天堂的街上
市声喧哗
辽远的天野
景色姽婳
成群结队的孩子
在天堂玩耍

没有沉重书包
也无老师体罚
他们不要爸爸
他们不想妈妈
吹一只只肥皂泡
飘向宇宙旮旯

了无红尘羁绊
他们玩得格外潇洒
与月牙拉勾打赌
星眸一闪一眨
他们荡起久违秋千
翩舞在月桂树下

把星星小球
弹进宇宙黑洞
在银河中戏水
溅起一天水花
在蓝天白云之上
兴高采烈打马

玩野了的孩子
竟然忘记回家
孩子就是孩子
也不打个电话
只是苦了父母
一辈子披麻戴枷

于08年黑5月
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nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2008-05-30 20:13:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

没有沉重书包
也无老师体罚
他们不要爸爸
他们不想妈妈
吹一只只肥皂泡
飘向宇宙旮旯

玩野了的孩子
竟然忘记回家
孩子就是孩子
也不打个电话
只是苦了父母
一辈子披麻戴枷

欣赏钓月的诗!!!
整体格调简洁,三四两节稍显拖沓,但想了想,也压不成一节。。。保留原样,已足够精彩!
感谢发好诗给我们读。
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钓月
秀才


Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-31 05:21:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢nobody. 我从16岁发第一首到现在基本比较注意押韵.
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nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2008-05-31 07:50:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

押得没有痕迹 。。。
趋近完美之作。

16岁,wow, 那两年来,也肯定发了不少了 Very Happy
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钓月
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Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-01 03:03:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢!再三鼓励.玩专业去了.此番再次出山,只因为:

前度刘郎今又来



玩笑开大了!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-01 04:50:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

前度刘郎再出山
哀思如涌濡文川
墨笔凝泪不钓月
却唤天街幼子还


临屏有感.
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钓月
秀才


Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-02 15:47:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="白水 Moonlight"]前度刘郎再出山
...[/quote]

若能唤醒赤婴还
四海八极俱笑颜
从此收钩蟾不钓
醉吟银河彼岸边
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-02 15:55:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

醉卧银河彼岸边
太公直钩钓鲤鲢
不为夜宵佐美酒
只盼天使展笑颜

临屏草和, 见笑了 Embarassed
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钓月
秀才


Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-03 19:38:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

只盼天使展笑颜,
莺歌燕语复从前。
天涯望断相思泪,
点点滴滴到梦边。
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