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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

天街上的孩子

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-05-23 03:05:57 Post subject: 天街上的孩子

天堂的街上市声喧哗辽远的天野景色姽婳成群结队的孩子在天堂玩耍没有沉重书包也无老师体罚他们不要爸爸他们不想妈妈吹一只只肥皂泡飘向宇宙旮旯了无红尘羁绊他们玩得格外潇洒与月牙拉勾打赌星眸一闪一眨他们荡起久违秋千翩舞在月桂树下把星星小球弹进宇宙黑洞在银河中戏水溅起一天水花在蓝天白云之上兴高采烈打马玩野了的孩子竟然忘记回家孩子就是孩子也不打个电话只是苦了父母一辈子披麻戴枷于08年黑5月 _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-05-30 20:13:58 Post subject:

没有沉重书包也无老师体罚他们不要爸爸他们不想妈妈吹一只只肥皂泡飘向宇宙旮旯玩野了的孩子竟然忘记回家孩子就是孩子也不打个电话只是苦了父母一辈子披麻戴枷欣赏钓月的诗！！！整体格调简洁，三四两节稍显拖沓，但想了想，也压不成一节。。。保留原样，已足够精彩！感谢发好诗给我们读。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-05-31 05:21:57 Post subject:

谢谢nobody. 我从16岁发第一首到现在基本比较注意押韵. _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-05-31 07:50:14 Post subject:

押得没有痕迹。。。趋近完美之作。 16岁，wow, 那两年来，也肯定发了不少了 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-06-01 03:03:07 Post subject:

谢谢!再三鼓励.玩专业去了.此番再次出山,只因为: 前度刘郎今又来玩笑开大了! _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-06-01 04:50:12 Post subject:

前度刘郎再出山哀思如涌濡文川墨笔凝泪不钓月却唤天街幼子还临屏有感.

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-06-02 15:47:29 Post subject:

[quote="白水 Moonlight"]前度刘郎再出山 ...[/quote] 若能唤醒赤婴还四海八极俱笑颜从此收钩蟾不钓醉吟银河彼岸边 _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-06-02 15:55:40 Post subject:

醉卧银河彼岸边太公直钩钓鲤鲢不为夜宵佐美酒只盼天使展笑颜临屏草和, 见笑了

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-06-03 19:38:35 Post subject:

只盼天使展笑颜，莺歌燕语复从前。天涯望断相思泪，点点滴滴到梦边。 _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

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