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十四行诗 致缪斯
雨时
童生


Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 78

雨时Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-25 05:05:08    Post subject: 十四行诗 致缪斯 Reply with quote

挥手间,你啊将我的心弦触碰,

顿时我全身涌起迷醉的共鸣;

这一声“晚安”竟教人不能入梦,

空中的繁星是我望你的眼睛。

你容颜远胜那天使纯真又纯美,

你身影恰如那魔鬼忽隐又忽现,

你呼吸好似那纤尘不染的泉水,

在你怀中我是一朵幸福的睡莲。

最后的约期变成痴情的孤旅,

我只能等待邂逅于缘定的路旁,

花香抓不住哟,月光挥不去,

你就是我那夜夜梦回的故乡。

有幸于天堂同你温暖地唱和,

无憾在地狱兀自凄凉地吟哦。
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-25 21:35:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

花香抓不住哟,月光挥不去,
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雨时
童生


Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 78

雨时Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-26 01:19:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

多谢赏光!请多指教。
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-26 02:00:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

你容颜远胜那天使纯真又纯美,
你身影恰如那魔鬼忽隐又忽现,
你呼吸好似那纤尘不染的泉水,
在你怀中我是一朵幸福的睡莲。

美好抒情~
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雨时
童生


Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 78

雨时Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-28 05:43:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

多谢半溪明月君鼓励!请多指教。
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戴玨
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-28 13:59:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

寫得很好,不過前兩段韻腳a這樣的重復幾乎沒見過:
abab caca...

abab baba這樣的變體倒是有的,不過後面接下去是意式的ccd ede。
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