是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
 Posted: 2008-04-22 22:19:14 Post subject: 【青玉案】 青春的漂泊 |
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青山隐隐重重度，
白云不知归路。
四海漂零身处处。
蓦然行止，
远方钟鼓，
入耳声声数。
夜凉如水心如故，
月也痴情透窗户。
惊起回头人已去。
梦还依旧，
忆来辛苦，
又把春宵负。 |
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莹雪
进士出身
Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-23 22:05:14 Post subject: |
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| 词意幽婉。建议上片语言精练些会更好。 |
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黄洋界
探花
Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-24 15:15:37 Post subject: |
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梦还依旧
忆来辛苦
又把春宵负
正意反说，更显惜梦，不负春宵。
_________________
++++++++++++++
喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰 |
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qinghongh
榜眼
Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110
qinghonghCollection |
| Posted: 2008-04-24 18:38:28 Post subject: |
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| 天涯游子，忆旧痴梦。 |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-27 20:15:48 Post subject: |
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| 莹雪 wrote: |
| 词意幽婉。建议上片语言精练些会更好。 |
多谢莹雪赏读并提宝贵意见。 |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-27 20:16:47 Post subject: |
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| 黄洋界 wrote: |
梦还依旧
忆来辛苦
又把春宵负
正意反说，更显惜梦，不负春宵。 |
谢黄老师点评。问好。 |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-27 20:18:11 Post subject: |
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| qinghongh wrote: |
| 天涯游子，忆旧痴梦。 |
问好qinghongh。 |
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