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《词两首》
刘星源
童生


Joined: 05 Apr 2008
Posts: 54
Location: 山东
刘星源Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-19 01:14:04    Post subject: 《词两首》 Reply with quote

《词两首》

《卜算子。与友共勉》

舞剑惊风雨,
把盏论江山;
常将磨难视等闲,
谁言蜀道难?

打马走海角,
天涯再挥鞭;
二十年后看今天,
英雄正少年。


《浣溪沙。离别》


两岸黯然消魂柳,
一地悲情哀怨风。
津渡兰舟正催行。

昔年岁月总漫漫,
而今年华太匆匆。
此翻一去是何程?

山东省济宁市金宇路3号济宁职业技术学院经管系物流2班 刘星元 邮编272000
http://blog.sina.com.cn/lxy1987412
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冰清
同进士出身


Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection
PostPosted: 2008-04-19 04:34:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

胸襟开阔,情怀畅舒,喜读《卜算子·与友共勉》。
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黄洋界
探花


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
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PostPosted: 2008-04-19 07:44:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

“常将磨难视等闲“,欣赏。
欢迎新朋友!
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喜金石书画,友竹菊梅兰
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qinghongh
榜眼


Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

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PostPosted: 2008-04-19 12:07:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

舞剑惊风雨,
把盏论江山;
好句!
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是有缘
秀才


Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

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PostPosted: 2008-04-20 16:00:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

很喜欢第一首的意境,唯一觉得打马和挥鞭意思上有重合之嫌。

另外,两首词好像都有出律之处,可以再看一看。
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莹雪
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Joined: 28 Sep 2006
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Location: 中国-辽宁·三燕故都
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PostPosted: 2008-04-20 17:28:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

卜算子的7种格式:
1.苏 轼体双调四十四字,前后段各四句,两仄韵

◎◎◎⊙○ ◎●○○● ⊙●○○◎◎⊙ ◎●○○●   
⊙◎◎⊙○ ◎●○○● ◎●○○◎◎⊙ ●●○○●

2.石孝友体双调四十四字,前后段各四句,三仄韵

●●○○● ●●○○● ●●○○●●○ ●●○○●   
●●○○● ●●○○● ●●○○●●○ ●●○○●

3.徐 俯体双调四十五字,前段四句两仄韵,后段四句三仄韵

○○○●○ ●●○○● ●●○○●●○ ●●○○●   
●●○○● ○●○○● ○●○○●●○ ○●● ○○●

4.黄公度双调四十五字,前后段各四句,两仄韵

●●●○○ ●●○○● ○●○○●●○ ●○● ○○●   
○●●○○ ○●○○● ○●○○●●○ ●●○○●

5.张 先体双调四十六字,前段四句两仄韵,后段四句三仄韵

●●○●○ ●●○○● ○●○○●●○ ●●● ○○●   
○○○●● ○●○○● ○●○○○●○ ●●● ○○●

6.杜安世双调四十六字,前后段各四句,三仄韵

○●○○● ●●○○● ●●○○○○● ●●● ○○●   
●○●○● ●●○○● ●●○○●○● ●●● ○●●

7.花草粹编无名氏体双调四十六字,前后段各四句,两仄韵

○○●●○ ●●○○● ○●○○●●○ ○●○○●   
●●●○○ ●●○○● ●●○○●●○ ○○●●○○●
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莹雪
进士出身


Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国-辽宁·三燕故都
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PostPosted: 2008-04-20 19:03:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

两首词意境不错。
浣溪沙第五句,“匆”应是“词韵第一部平声:一东二冬”。是出韵。
其余韵脚是“词韵第十一部平声:八庚九青十蒸”第五句也应该“词韵第十一部平声:八庚九青十蒸”
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刘星源
童生


Joined: 05 Apr 2008
Posts: 54
Location: 山东
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PostPosted: 2008-04-21 21:31:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢各位老师指正
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莹雪
进士出身


Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国-辽宁·三燕故都
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PostPosted: 2008-04-22 00:24:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

刘星源 wrote:
谢谢各位老师指正
别这么称呼,互相探讨吧。欢迎常来!
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