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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布

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qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-16 15:03:51 Post subject: 七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布

七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布蓄势高崖喷涌下，雷鸣百里声威隆。巨帘遥挂云端上，谁点朱砂绘彩虹？

是有缘
秀才

Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection

Posted: 2008-04-16 16:44:04 Post subject:

声色俱呈，妙结含彩。 _________________ 蜻蜓点水非无意愁云化雨是有情

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-04-17 07:07:49 Post subject:

奔涌雷鸣遥挂点绘诗中动词都用得十分恰切，形象，好！ _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-17 16:06:05 Post subject:

是有缘 wrote:

声色俱呈，妙结含彩。

谢有缘点评。问好。

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-17 16:07:18 Post subject:

黄洋界 wrote:

奔涌雷鸣遥挂点绘

诗中动词都用得十分恰切，形象，好！

谢黄老师点评。问春安。

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-17 20:14:17 Post subject:

庆宏兄的诗越写越妙了，次韵即和上一首，以答结句：七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布千尺断崖落大洪，堆霜涌雪吼声隆。携来彩笔三春染，云雾高飞绘彩虹。庆宏兄原玉：七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布蓄势高崖奔涌下，雷鸣百里声威隆。巨帘遥挂云端上，谁点朱砂绘彩虹？

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-04-18 09:17:32 Post subject:

好诗好和，气度不凡。欣赏。 '携来彩笔三春染“一句的“三春染“换作“三千管",让彩虹更加壮阔，让瀑布更有声威。拙见。 _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-18 17:01:05 Post subject:

秋叶 wrote:

庆宏兄的诗越写越妙了，次韵即和上一首，以答结句：
...

谢秋叶兄妙笔和诗！

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-18 20:43:54 Post subject: 谢谢黄老师评述

黄洋界 wrote:

好诗好和，气度不凡。欣赏。
...

谢谢黄老师评述，昨天匆匆草成，今天读来也觉得欠妥，“三千管",好多了。另外如果“携来彩笔千秋染”如何？是否更可说明瀑布的历史？再望赐教。

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-18 20:49:41 Post subject: 再改，是否好些，望赐教。

再改，是否好些，望赐教。七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布千尺断崖落大洪，堆霜涌雪吼声隆。神来彩笔千秋染，云雾腾空绘彩虹。

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 04:41:48 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布
...

其势既蓄，发之则威。"蓄势"特好!

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 04:46:18 Post subject:

秋叶 wrote:

再改，是否好些，望赐教。
...

"神来彩笔千秋染", 妙!
老班长精益求精, 学习了.

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 07:34:28 Post subject:

'神来彩笔千秋染“ 再三斟酌更传神，确实好多了！ _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 10:20:14 Post subject:

冰清 wrote:

秋叶 wrote:

再改，是否好些，望赐教。
...

"神来彩笔千秋染", 妙!
...

谢谢冰清老师鼓励，问好！

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 10:27:04 Post subject: 再改，望赐教

黄洋界 wrote:

'神来彩笔千秋染“
再三斟酌更传神，确实好多了！

黄老师是丹青高手，该句就尊旨保留吧，但我发现重字了，如果改为：

七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布

百丈断崖落大洪，堆霜涌雪吼声隆。
神来彩笔千秋染，礴雾腾空绘彩虹。

首句除了韵尾，只一平字，虽不出律，但读来气韵差一些，另， “礴雾”应更好些吧，读来应更有气势了把。望赐教。

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-19 12:05:33 Post subject:

冰清 wrote:

qinghongh wrote:

七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布
...

其势既蓄，发之则威。"蓄势"特好!

谢冰清老师点评。问好！

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-04-19 13:51:56 Post subject:

越改越好了，真是吟安一个字，拈断数茎须啊！ _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-20 09:31:13 Post subject:

谢谢黄老师，我真是“吟安一个字，更费老师心也！”

秋叶
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Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection

Posted: 2008-04-20 09:33:58 Post subject: 六楼旧主和作

昨日，六楼旧主到访舍下论诗，见到庆宏兄大作和本人奉和，也即和了下面一首，并托本人贴上：七绝尼亚加拉大瀑布作者：六楼旧主汇聚万军气势雄，冲锋呐喊杀声隆。两疆一水美佳境，白雾骄阳腾彩虹。杀--入声

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2008-04-21 02:41:51 Post subject:

谢秋叶兄及六楼旧主。“奔涌”改为“喷涌”如何？

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