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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

我指导的学生诗歌----许彬<当春天来临的时候>

陈若祥
秀才

Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection

Posted: 2008-04-14 23:05:10 Post subject: 我指导的学生诗歌----许彬<当春天来临的时候>

当春天来临的时候 ◆ 高一(5)班许彬当春天来临的时候我总在家的不远处静静坐下远望这片历经寒冬的土地该败亡的均已败亡大地成了最后的希望偶尔，也会甩动几下腿脚有时仰望天空—— 小燕子该来了吧风筝该飞起了吧当春天来临的时候我总突然想起远方沉重的姐姐姐姐，我突然想起你扎的风筝将我带回了童年

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-04-15 12:59:56 Post subject:

不错。如果增加些真实的细节情节美，就好了。这样较缺少惊奇。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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