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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

【为此】

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-29 23:26:05 Post subject: 【为此】

【为此】我不得不提醒:别被迷惑别相信她的悲哀和韵脚正如喜极而泣她习惯用眼泪冲洗爱情的鹅卵石习惯用蓝色描摹星空的静谧和纯净她习惯缩在海螺里听风吹口哨她有咸的味蕾和触角从海风中捕捞出甜点她的胃口疲弱为此,你要每天喂她消食片。一些话要叮咛再三靠左,第三根肋骨如果你疼，她也会疼为此，她一定要用眼泪保持石头的纤尘无暇

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 01:14:30 Post subject:

她习惯用眼泪冲洗爱情的鹅卵石 yue lian, ni wei shui er ku? ca ca yan lei ba

赵福治
探花

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 01:26:09 Post subject:

靠左,第三根肋骨如果你疼，她也会疼为此，她一定要用眼泪保持石头的一纤尘无暇.......描述别致.

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 01:51:45 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

她习惯用眼泪
冲洗爱情的鹅卵石

yue lian, ni wei shui er ku? ca ca yan lei ba Razz

呵呵，只是为写诗而写～谢谢白水妹妹，前几句已经交代了，别相信这些眼泪～

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 01:53:08 Post subject:

问好富治兄弟～多提意见！

山城子
榜眼

Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 07:19:20 Post subject:

靠左,第三根肋骨明月好——挺好的诗，为什么一定要用“肋骨”一词呢？ _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 07:52:28 Post subject:

山城子 wrote:

靠左,第三根肋骨
...

犯了语言的忌了～谢老师指点，我再想其他词，这首平常了，没写好！

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2008-03-30 18:04:18 Post subject:

阅读.问好!感觉还可以.很好的题目啊. _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-31 04:46:03 Post subject:

韩少君 wrote:

阅读.问好!感觉还可以.很好的题目啊.

问好少君～

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2008-03-31 14:22:46 Post subject:

整体构思、立意新！男人要多学习啊！ _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-20 03:20:27 Post subject:

诗意盎然 _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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