Maple Review :: View topic - 《掌心的水》

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《掌心的水》

合心
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 122
Location: 山西太原
合心Collection

Posted: 2008-03-10 22:15:35 Post subject: 《掌心的水》

《掌心的水》风，吹落一弯睫毛在掌心留下了一道痕十指并拢，握住了什么象水晃悠的白攥折了弯曲的纹，断续牵起一种思想象风 _________________ 美是岁月沉淀的金

点点儿
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Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 413
Location: 眇小的地球
点点儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 06:36:59 Post subject:

水流情风传思睫眉弯弯百合悠随心走～～～合心好～ _________________ －－－其实你永远不懂我的心－－－

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:18:52 Post subject:

情似水思如风

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:21:56 Post subject:

俺对这（吹落一弯睫毛）有意见！ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

点点儿
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Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 413
Location: 眇小的地球
点点儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:44:31 Post subject: Me too，

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

俺对这（吹落一弯睫毛）有意见！

吹弯2 liu 睫毛~~~?
_________________
－－－其实你永远不懂我的心－－－

苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:46:09 Post subject:

嗯，吹落一点思念，，，，吹落眉睫上一点思念，，，， _________________ 默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:52:03 Post subject:

解谜底：风大！一小姑娘以手拂面，假睫毛给弄落了！真是尴尬～手心紧紧握着，这一紧张！手心泌出汗来。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:54:10 Post subject: Re: 解谜底：风大！一小姑娘以手拂面，假睫毛给...

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

解谜底：风大！一小姑娘以手拂面，假睫毛给弄落了！真是尴尬～手心紧紧握着，这一紧张！手心泌出汗来。

喂~~~你要是把美人得罪了，别找我们哭你，，，
_________________
默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 07:54:29 Post subject:

不对，是一滴思念。。。。 _________________ 默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 08:03:27 Post subject:

放心！合心人长得漂亮，个性又温柔。听说从不发脾气！ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 08:07:11 Post subject: Re: 放心！合心人长得漂亮，个性又温柔。听说从...

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

放心！合心人长得漂亮，个性又温柔。听说从不发脾气！

哈哈，，，不害羞！
_________________
默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 08:10:33 Post subject:

先打个预防针嘛！哈哈～这有啥可害羞的？ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

荷梦
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Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 14:46:01 Post subject:

很轻柔，很细腻，灵动的。我也感觉用睫毛不好，因为那东西太爱掉了。

合心
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 122
Location: 山西太原
合心Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 15:37:46 Post subject:

哈哈~~~谢各位!这篇确实不够成熟,尚须修改 _________________ 美是岁月沉淀的金

合心
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 122
Location: 山西太原
合心Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 21:03:15 Post subject:

改好,请狠批《掌心的水》三月，芦苇的根刚过指尖岸边，抓一把沙土模拟它的呼吸，让目光凝成山的色彩风，一路向上织一弯亮白，我将一半的自己种下，蔓延留一半望天望远方抽一缕色彩，系在腕上倾听草与草的心跳用一朵云涂抹水上花瓣朵朵田野呢，此刻是否已将一季的温度铺开 _________________ 美是岁月沉淀的金

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-11 21:31:33 Post subject: 长高了！差别真大哪～

这是合心比较长的作品，断句之处仍保有作者原来的风格。短长作品相较，断句的处理似乎应该做些区分，让长的作品有较佳的顺畅感。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

点点儿
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Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 413
Location: 眇小的地球
点点儿Collection

Posted: 2008-03-12 05:09:19 Post subject:

很情调儿，充实了很多～刚知道，先前吹掉滴是假睫毛，没想到，哈～～～ _________________ －－－其实你永远不懂我的心－－－

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