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《给女友》大家新年好!!
子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-26 05:23:19    Post subject: 《给女友》大家新年好!! Reply with quote

《给女友》

我说很爱你
我说我每天都不能没有你
你叫我不要废话那么多

我只想你能多爱我一点点
宽容我仅有的点罗嗦
你什么都不懂

你叫我戒烟
我就戒了
可现在又抽上了

你叫我娶它算了 别再来烦你
我不敢说什么
拿着烟度过了一个下午 还真有点那样的念头

我知道你也有脆弱的时候
你对着我哭了整整几个钟
我也安慰了你整整几个钟 你一句回应都没有

那天我也试着对着你哭
说自己好孤独
你没说什么 你的哭声比我的高出许多

今天你很乖很温柔
问我 我们到底能在一起多久
我说 一辈子吧
下辈子我绝不遇上你
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-26 10:22:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

好!这可是你说的,你就下辈子别给我那个:吼悔!
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可情可理,去捧就真
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nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2008-02-26 14:14:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

你叫我戒烟
我就戒了
可现在又抽上了

哈哈。有意思。若她让你戒色。。。
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I'm nobody! Who are you?
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2008-02-26 14:35:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

下辈子我绝不遇上你

Very Happy
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阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
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PostPosted: 2008-02-26 17:43:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

这辈子我也不敢遇上你哦~~~:))
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踏过废墟,走来
http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong
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灯台小老鼠
童生


Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 82
Location: 中国广东广州
灯台小老鼠Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-03 07:17:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

你叫我娶它算了 别再来烦你
我不敢说什么
拿着烟度过了一个下午 还真有点那样的念头
-----------
可惜立场又摆动了......
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-04 05:19:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

多谢以上各位诗人阅读!新年快乐!!现在工作了时间少,大家先批!!真诚和大家交流!!
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陈亚伟
童生


Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 38

陈亚伟Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-04 07:05:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

读到痛!
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-04 07:15:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

我说 一辈子吧
下辈子我绝不遇上你

子花只是说出了大家不敢所的~ Very Happy 问好子花
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半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
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半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-04 07:18:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

你对着我哭了整整几个钟
我也安慰了你整整几个钟


这个钟,不能代替钟点吧?看如何表达好!这样有点别扭你

你哭了几个钟头
我也安慰了几个钟头

另外其他语句可以再凝练点


一点意见,请斟!
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2008-03-06 02:41:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

明月说得极是!!当时也想到过,删过又加回来了!!不知怎地就是想强调下"对着我""整整"!!!很感谢明月诗人那么认读我的诗!!握手新年好!!!
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山城子
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Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
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PostPosted: 2008-03-06 06:52:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

在别处读过!问好子花!
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苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

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PostPosted: 2008-03-06 12:24:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

厚厚!我只想问你呀,你,到底爱不爱她啊,,,,
哈哈。。。。写的瞒可爱。
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默默无言处,盈盈一笑间。
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2008-03-07 02:56:47    Post subject: Re: 在别处读过!问好子花! Reply with quote

山城子 wrote:
在别处读过!问好子花!


望老师多批评!!
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-07 03:00:38    Post subject: Re: 厚厚!我只想问你呀,你,到底爱不爱她啊,... Reply with quote

苏茉儿 wrote:
厚厚!我只想问你呀,你,到底爱不爱她啊,,,,
...


爱又有什么用??什么都不理解!有时候发现太爱一个人了反而是自己的错!!!~~~~爱到最后了,再多的不好似乎都无法放弃了!!~~~
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