是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
 Posted: 2008-02-20 17:02:49 Post subject: [长相思] 元宵 |
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元宵圆*，
月亮圆，
圆月悬天听古弦。
月斜人影单。
心儿甜*，
泪儿咸，
费尽相思苦难眠。
孤灯望月寒。
* 元宵的特征。 |
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晓松
举人
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192
晓松Collection |
| Posted: 2008-02-20 18:18:17 Post subject: |
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圆月相思，孤灯凄切。很有古韵味。
商榷：“咽”是否出律了？
咽，一字三音：咽喉（“烟”音）；狼吞虎咽（“宴”音）；哽咽（“叶”音）。这首<长相思>应为上、下四平韵。
问好~ |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-02-20 19:09:47 Post subject: |
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谢谢晓松斑竹雅赏并指正。您说的对，因为是多音字，平时就读成了yan。想想再改过。
_________________
蜻蜓点水非无意 愁云化雨是有情 |
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老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
| Posted: 2008-02-21 03:59:30 Post subject: |
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圆月孤灯更难眠
好构思! |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-02-21 15:22:02 Post subject: |
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谢老山君谬赞。问好。
_________________
蜻蜓点水非无意 愁云化雨是有情 |
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