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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

你说，不能光要玫瑰

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-02-18 16:57:25 Post subject: 你说，不能光要玫瑰

1 有关一朵玫瑰的渴念曾在月的圆缺中挥洒过晴雨捂在月光里的情愫偶见枯黄,绿居多 2 时间里，有花儿在开绽于是，你说 “不能光要玫瑰，还要百合”

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2008-02-18 17:02:05 Post subject:

1 有关一朵玫瑰的渴念曾在月的圆缺中挥洒过晴雨捂在月光里的情愫偶见枯黄,绿居多 2 时间里，有花儿在开绽于是，你说 “不光要玫瑰，还要百合” 这样，是否更现代？

合心
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 122
Location: 山西太原
合心Collection

Posted: 2008-02-18 20:39:45 Post subject:

不光要玫瑰，还要百合祝福 _________________ 美是岁月沉淀的金

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-02-18 20:50:47 Post subject:

哈, 你好贪心.好吧, 我去帮你找一朵

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2008-02-18 21:31:57 Post subject:

这朵好像漂亮点.

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-02-19 01:02:06 Post subject:

迪拜 wrote:

1
...

很长时间没写东西了,感觉文字滞涩了，连题目都不知道怎么用。
感觉你的建议很好，那几行的确是多余的，我就去掉。谢谢！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
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Posted: 2008-02-19 04:12:07 Post subject:

合心 wrote:

不光要玫瑰，还要百合

祝福

谢谢！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-02-19 04:17:48 Post subject:

白水，不是贪心，我记下的是原话，打了引号呢！谢谢白水的花儿，我发真实的照片！

溪语
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Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection

Posted: 2008-02-19 06:46:29 Post subject:

呵呵.小小的思想光芒. _________________ 溪语的博客:家住鄂西

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-02-19 16:18:43 Post subject:

荷梦 wrote:

白水，不是贪心，我记下的是原话，打了引号呢！

谢谢白水的花儿，我发真实的照片！

荷梦情人节收到的玫瑰好漂亮,幸福~ Very Happy

遛达的七七
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Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329

遛达的七七Collection

Posted: 2008-02-20 20:21:22 Post subject:

先看了你的，再看迪拜的，上下转得眼花，还是只找出个“能”字的不同——上面最后一句有能，下面那个没有。我简直哗哗地笑起来！后来才又看见，原来你已经把主贴改过了。呵呵，问好两位 ……原贴啥样子的啦？好奇地问个……

阿依琼裙
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
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Posted: 2008-02-20 20:31:15 Post subject:

祝福荷梦！ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-02-21 19:24:58 Post subject:

谢溪语、明月、七七、阿依！七七，你问我原贴啥样的，我也不知道了。呵呵，原来，在2的开头有两行，是在“时间里，有花儿在开绽”之前的，算一个铺垫，看了迪拜的建议后，自己也觉得不要更好，便删了。

nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-02-21 22:16:26 Post subject:

为删去的默哀。原帖改贴共存，让大家看明白好些。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

遛达的七七
秀才

Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329

遛达的七七Collection

Posted: 2008-02-23 00:18:40 Post subject:

嘿嘿，花花不错唷……嫉妒一哈！

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