Maple Review Home
   Chinese Literature Society of North America | Maple Review | Immigrants in Canada | Angel Studio | The Driftwood Artist Society | Ocean of Poetry | Island of Music
"HuaHe Cup" 2007 Chinese Mainland and Oversea Poetry Competition and Non-governmental Magazines and Newspapers Joint Exhibition starts on the first day of 2007.
  
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister  ProfileProfile    Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Sign inSign in   BlogsBlogs    Weblogs NewsWeblogs News   AlbumAlbum 
English Home Bilingual Home Chinese Home
Dictionary Check Poems' Rules & Forms Search for Chinese Poems Poetry & Music

Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社 Post new topic   Reply to topic
(独领风骚-叙事)一只智齿发炎的羊
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-17 23:21:11    Post subject: (独领风骚-叙事)一只智齿发炎的羊 Reply with quote

【一只智齿发炎的羊】

面前,这只粗布口袋
醉熏熏,一碰就倒
咕咕噜噜倒出一大堆
枣树枝,花椒叶,黑皂角
这些邻家园子清扫回来的垃圾
带有花的汁液和气味
划破手指。她恨透了

他嘻笑,又从左口袋掏
珍珠项链,和肥厚嘴唇
惹上胭脂红,失却光泽和纯净
下水道酸溲
冬天的蒸汽管,阀门泄漏

她转身找针,预缝上那条大口袋
“狼来了”。故事刚开头
他来不及喊两遍,就被吓坏
眯着眼,清点一遍羊只
圈,严密无缝。他暗自得意

午夜两点,她智齿发炎
撬开圈门,扬长而去
故事像一具醉死的狼
没有悬念地 吊在房梁上
晃荡

﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍

以叙事的形式写一首吧.尽量朦胧点,让故事有点解读性.单纯的叙事就成了下水道了,没有意思了.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 05:28:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

DD, 看你的 Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 06:07:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢先!两位版主。

(独领风骚)这个单元要有个主题。简单说,您要提出一个作品写作的方向。

例如您这首作品,您是希望大家以这个标题写一首作品?还是希望以叙事的形式写一首作品?
_________________
可情可理,去捧就真
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
苏茉儿
秀才


Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 17:51:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

明月姐姐好!嗯,没看懂,所以晕倒!
_________________
默默无言处,盈盈一笑间。
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 19:28:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

她就不回来了?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 21:12:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
谢谢先!两位版主。
...


那就以叙事的形式写一首吧.尽量朦胧点,让故事有点解读性.单纯的叙事就成了下水道了,没有意思了.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 21:15:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

苏茉儿 wrote:
明月姐姐好!嗯,没看懂,所以晕倒!


茉儿,
算了,上班了,
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 21:56:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:
谢谢先!两位版主。
...


那就以叙事的形式写一首吧.尽量朦胧点,让故事有点解读性.单纯的叙事就成了下水道了,没有意思了.


好的!我将标题作一些修改,若有不合您意之处,或是要增添您的观点,再麻烦您加上。
_________________
可情可理,去捧就真
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-18 22:48:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

跟贴一首旧作,我觉得还能稍合题旨,请明月看看!

离了曾经,就离了

秋千在摆荡,那感动来自于双手
向前推,无可阻挡
向后扬起的发丝
在绿意中,有一丝丝风险的安全里
也许微风吹过,因为歌声若有似无
很轻巧的,自顾自的
低着头,刻意低着
加重了一些力道
你面向着我,我面对着世界
眼神没有交接
心呢?摆荡
再度扬起时,从这一端

还希望什么
希望下起雨来
希望突然的离去,还是延续
还是期待永恒烙印在此刻
恐惧像一个一个窟窿,承接住一个一个心跳
头脑因此而晕眩,双颊泛红
思绪飞往青天外的云端
在云絮堆里
躲藏


070323那天1950
_________________
可情可理,去捧就真
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
苏茉儿
秀才


Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 08:41:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
苏茉儿 wrote:
明月姐姐好!嗯,没看懂,所以晕倒!


茉儿,
算了,上班了,


嗯,不用管我,我通常都是别别人慢几拍的,嗯,让我慢慢来。
_________________
默默无言处,盈盈一笑间。
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 16:11:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
跟贴一首旧作,我觉得还能稍合题旨,请明月看看!
...


你这首不是完全的叙事,结合荡秋千的形态把内心的情感成功地表现出来,更胜一筹,水平不错呢,赞一个~ Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 16:12:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

悠子 wrote:
她就不回来了?


这只是写诗歌的一个悬念,并不见得是真事~问好悠子! Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 16:14:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

苏茉儿 wrote:
半溪明月 wrote:
苏茉儿 wrote:
明月姐姐好!嗯,没看懂,所以晕倒!


茉儿,
算了,上班了,


嗯,不用管我,我通常都是别别人慢几拍的,嗯,让我慢慢来。


呵呵,因为我给你解释了,这诗歌就一点意思也没有~还是自己看吧!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 19:59:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:
跟贴一首旧作,我觉得还能稍合题旨,请明月看看!
...


你这首不是完全的叙事,结合荡秋千的形态把内心的情感成功地表现出来,更胜一筹,水平不错呢,赞一个~ Very Happy


谢谢明月版主,跟贴旧作实因技穷。诗盗会在尝试您的笔触试作看看。
_________________
可情可理,去捧就真
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-20 07:35:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

嘿嘿.......跟着茉儿晕一回~~~~~~~~~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
曲元奇
秀才


Joined: 01 Mar 2008
Posts: 427
Location: 山东
曲元奇Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-17 23:26:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

我只说我最喜欢的两句;离了曾经 就离了 恐惧就像一个一个窟窿即实又虚特别是离了曾经我要说就是那过去挖空心思也想不出来恐惧像窟窿
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
Display posts from previous:   
Emoticons
Very Happy Smile Sad Surprised
Shocked Confused Cool Laughing
Mad Razz Embarassed Crying or Very sad
Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Rolling Eyes Wink
Exclamation Question Idea Arrow
View more Emoticons
Page 1 of 1           View previous topic View next topic    
Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社    Post new topic   Reply to topic
Jump to:  


Once you post your works here, that means you submits them to the magazine of Maple Review (North American Maple, or BeiMeiFeng), a bilingual journal published by Chinese Literature Society of North America. The magazine holds the right to translate them into Chinese, and publish them in both languages. You need to be responsible for the copyright issues of your own files uploaded.
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
phpBB Chinese interface was translated by iCy-fLaME