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Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社

一路的尘

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 05:13:34 Post subject: 一路的尘

一路的碎花和落红一路的沙砾和蔓草我都习惯了，低着头忽略一些细节淡忘一些伤痛心情在阳光里疲倦朦胧的眼，任远山缓缓倾斜收起一些繁琐拾捡一些碎片写一些字，随意抛向遥远一路的尘，浅淡而无痕徐徐清风依然, 想寻找疏密枝叶里的月色与星辰天，依然有些冷 01/30/2008 02/14/2008

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 05:44:59 Post subject:

找出收尾的乐趣了？一路的尘，浅淡而无痕徐徐的清风依然, 寻找（这里呼应前情，抬起头。如何？）疏密枝叶里的月色与星辰天，依然有些冷 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 05:51:41 Post subject:

哈，不抬头，咋找枝叶里的月色与星辰？

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 05:57:18 Post subject:

悠子 wrote:

哈，不抬头，咋找枝叶里的月色与星辰？

一有呼应的整体性，再就是（抬起头）比（寻找）更具体，更易讓讀者融入。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 06:07:48 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

悠子 wrote:

哈，不抬头，咋找枝叶里的月色与星辰？

一有呼应的整体性，再就是（抬起头）比（寻找）更具体，更易讓讀者融入。

抬起头，8好看。想个别的什么的。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 06:31:04 Post subject:

悠子 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

悠子 wrote:

哈，不抬头，咋找枝叶里的月色与星辰？

一有呼应的整体性，再就是（抬起头）比（寻找）更具体，更易让读者融入。

抬起头，8好看。想个别的什么的。

提个参考，你不可以让我想呀？也不一定要改呀！再就，我说啥么
你都不满意滴～嘿嘿！
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 06:35:44 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

提个参考，你不可以让我想呀？也不一定要改呀！再就，我说啥么
...

那你啥么都别说，看啥么怎么说

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 06:44:47 Post subject:

悠子 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

提个参考，你不可以让我想呀？也不一定要改呀！再就，我说啥么
...

那你啥么都别说，看啥么怎么说

笨！想也知道啥么会怎么说！啥么总是这么说：这有点麻烦。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

啥么
秀才

Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 09:34:22 Post subject:

_________________ 这有点麻烦

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 09:41:38 Post subject:

啥么 wrote:

啥么你说点啥么吧，光 Evil or Very Mad

，是有点麻烦。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 09:44:09 Post subject:

是啊！说点说点吧，例如：是有点是有点麻烦。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

啥么
秀才

Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 09:52:19 Post subject:

_________________ 这有点麻烦

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 09:57:40 Post subject:

啥么今天malfunction，不只是有点麻烦喽。

爱爱
秀才

Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 16:16:12 Post subject:

悠子, 这个结尾耐人寻味~~ 节日快乐~

是有缘
秀才

Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection

Posted: 2008-02-14 21:55:33 Post subject:

悠子诗的意象不错。选5-5-3-1句式有没有什么讲究？ _________________ 蜻蜓点水非无意愁云化雨是有情

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-02-15 08:10:03 Post subject:

谢有缘兄。没有讲究。我是随意的。诗盗， 5-5-3-1 有什么说头？

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-02-15 08:44:28 Post subject:

悠子 wrote:

谢有缘兄。没有讲究。我是随意的。诗盗， 5-5-3-1 有什么说头？

关于这5-5-3-1，今天就借这个机会好好解说一番。中国古典章回小说首推（红楼梦）大家都知道，作者曹雪芹原稿总共有八十回。然而事实并非如此，早在乾隆十九年甲戌（1754），雪芹才三十岁时，这部书稿已然完成并且增删五次，纂成目录，分出章回。除了个别地方尚缺诗待补、个别章回还须考虑再分开和加拟回目外，全书包括最后一回《警幻情榜》在内，都已写完。

作者经“增删五次”基本定稿后，正在加批并陆续誊清过程中，就有一些亲友争相借阅，先睹为快。也许借阅者还不只一人，借去的也有尚未来得及誊清的后半部原稿，传来传去，丢失的可能性大增。这些“迷失”的稿子，都是八十回以后的，又这里少了一稿，那里又少了一稿，其中缺少的也可能有紧接八十回情节的，这样八十回之后原稿缺的太多，又是断断续续的，就无法再誊清了。这便是传抄存世的《红楼梦》稿，都止于八十回的原因。

以上的说明简要，相信大家都已经看的清楚。最后要说的是这篇文ZT删节自网路。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

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