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《雨夹雪》
张世明
童生


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-19 18:05:39    Post subject: 《雨夹雪》 Reply with quote

《雨夹雪》

雨夹雪
雨夹雪
雨夹雪
南方一连几天……

该穿的都穿上了
该用的都用上了

两只麻雀
跳跃在雨地里觅食
机灵的小眼睛
不停地环顾四周

浑身哆嗦的麻雀
它们不怕雨雪
2008.01.20
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苏茉儿
秀才


Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-19 18:13:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

雨夹雪
一连几天
这南方的天气

能穿的都穿了

只有
两只小麻雀的眼睛
哆嗦着
环顾四周

不好意思,如果是我,我可能这样写,您觉得是不是精简些。。。。问好!
_________________
默默无言处,盈盈一笑间。
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-19 19:38:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

恩,是该精简下~苏茉儿改的不错!
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张世明
童生


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-19 20:52:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

苏茉儿 wrote:
雨夹雪
...

谢谢/接受/
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张世明
童生


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-19 20:53:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
恩,是该精简下~苏茉儿改的不错!

谢谢并问好/
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