Maple Review :: View topic - 《雨夹雪》

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

《雨夹雪》

张世明
童生

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 18:05:39 Post subject: 《雨夹雪》

《雨夹雪》雨夹雪雨夹雪雨夹雪南方一连几天…… 该穿的都穿上了该用的都用上了两只麻雀跳跃在雨地里觅食机灵的小眼睛不停地环顾四周浑身哆嗦的麻雀它们不怕雨雪 2008.01.20

苏茉儿
秀才

Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 18:13:06 Post subject:

雨夹雪一连几天这南方的天气能穿的都穿了只有两只小麻雀的眼睛哆嗦着环顾四周不好意思，如果是我，我可能这样写，您觉得是不是精简些。。。。问好！ _________________ 默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 19:38:08 Post subject:

恩，是该精简下～苏茉儿改的不错！

张世明
童生

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 20:52:44 Post subject:

苏茉儿 wrote:

雨夹雪
...

谢谢/接受/

张世明
童生

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 78

张世明Collection

Posted: 2008-01-19 20:53:42 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

恩，是该精简下～苏茉儿改的不错！

谢谢并问好/

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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