暗香如沁
秀才
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection |
 Posted: 2007-12-27 16:59:25 Post subject: 五律．咏梅 |
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天涯何寂寂，待我醒尘埃。
邀雪三分醉，偷香一抹来。
乾坤歌暗作，日月韵轻裁。
曲罢还长笑，谁言冷莫开？
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~ |
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hepingdao
Site Admin
Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106
hepingdaoCollection |
| Posted: 2007-12-27 17:07:53 Post subject: |
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曲罢还长笑，
好
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楚人
童生
Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 63
Location: 中国大陆
楚人Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-28 10:39:06 Post subject: |
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| 既见精神,又有韵致. |
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qinghongh
榜眼
Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110
qinghonghCollection |
| Posted: 2007-12-28 14:40:24 Post subject: |
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| 邀雪，偷香，曲罢，长笑。真是有声有色！乾坤歌，日月韵，很大气。但为何暗作乾坤歌？可否改一改这“暗”字？因为“暗作”有点“暗箱操作”之嫌。请暗香MM参考。祝新年好！ |
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暗香如沁
秀才
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection |
| Posted: 2008-01-04 01:56:54 Post subject: |
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| qinghongh wrote: |
| 邀雪，偷香，曲罢，长笑。真是有声有色！乾坤歌，日月韵，很大气。但为何暗作乾坤歌？可否改一改这“暗”字？因为“暗作”有点“暗箱操作”之嫌。请暗香MM参考。祝新年好！ |
老师．您说的很对．可是，我想用＂大＂字，却又觉得不妥，暂时没想到其他．谢谢老师提醒．新年快乐．
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~ |
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qinghongh
榜眼
Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110
qinghonghCollection |
| Posted: 2008-01-04 09:56:41 Post subject: |
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| 暗香如沁 wrote: |
| qinghongh wrote: |
| 邀雪，偷香，曲罢，长笑。真是有声有色！乾坤歌，日月韵，很大气。但为何暗作乾坤歌？可否改一改这“暗”字？因为“暗作”有点“暗箱操作”之嫌。请暗香MM参考。祝新年好！ |
老师．您说的很对．可是，我想用＂大＂字，却又觉得不妥，暂时没想到其他．谢谢老师提醒．新年快乐． |
“大作”合律但有点不妥，“闲作”合意但出律，MM可考虑用“逸作”或“玉作”（参考“玉成”）等。仅供参考。问好！ |
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