奥冬
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Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 239
Location: 河北邢台
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 Posted: 2007-12-18 18:10:36 Post subject: 《峡谷》 |
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一抹翠绿起起落落
跌宕成——满眼风景
给灵魂 听
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迪拜
同进士出身
Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588
迪拜Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-18 18:20:27 Post subject: |
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以《峡谷》为题
太大了
没有尽兴 |
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奥冬
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Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 239
Location: 河北邢台
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| Posted: 2007-12-18 18:35:03 Post subject: |
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多谢指点，问好
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nobody
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Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
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| Posted: 2007-12-18 18:59:13 Post subject: |
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这首个见词意间有点虚。如"一抹翠绿", "风景" 等.让人有种抓不住的感觉.应该给个把儿 
向来欣赏短的尝试,继续!
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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| Posted: 2007-12-19 06:25:51 Post subject: |
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| nobody wrote: |
这首个见词意间有点虚。如"一抹翠绿", "风景" 等.让人有种抓不住的感觉.应该给个把儿
向来欣赏短的尝试,继续! |
人家本来就是给灵魂听的, 怎能让人抓住 
不过嘛, NOBODY 应该能抓住. |
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nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection |
| Posted: 2007-12-19 20:37:52 Post subject: |
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| 白水 Moonlight wrote: |
人家本来就是给灵魂听的, 怎能让人抓住
不过嘛, NOBODY 应该能抓住. |
个见，一抹翠绿类似的描述较弱。在长诗里“滥竽充数“或可，在短制里就有点失败。
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奥冬
秀才
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 239
Location: 河北邢台
奥冬Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-23 18:13:08 Post subject: |
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感谢两位品读。这首诗里是有点儿虚，不过标题还是实的，两相结合，应当还不是那么太飘。再次谢过，问好
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