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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

月

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-12-12 20:28:26 Post subject: 月

夜就这样静静地沉下卧在远处像一位女子剪去的指甲它曾深深掐进我的肩膀而此刻你抡起收割所有的比喻狠狠地掷于燃烧的烟卷让我默默地抽着让我迷失了目光却一直在努力寻找企图理清它们的头绪企图握住一头鞭打星星 07、11、12

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2007-12-12 23:12:32 Post subject:

夜就这样静静地沉下卧在远处像一位女子剪去的指甲它曾深深掐进我的肩膀 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-12-13 01:38:56 Post subject:

卧在远处像一位女子剪去的指甲奇特的比喻~

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-12-13 20:11:11 Post subject:

两位诗人多指点！！不好的一定要说出来！！迫切学习中！！

游旋1
童生

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 72
Location: 中国-贵州-遵义-凤冈
游旋1Collection

Posted: 2007-12-14 02:02:12 Post subject:

我觉得第一句，来得有点突然，甚至有点莫名其妙，嘿嘿！在下胡言乱语，请别见怪。问好朋友！ _________________ 用文字结缘拿鸿雁对话

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-12-14 04:38:12 Post subject:

读。 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-12-14 20:45:36 Post subject:

开头需要修改

黑雨滴
秀才

Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 144

黑雨滴Collection

Posted: 2007-12-14 22:37:52 Post subject:

有一些感觉，但是说不清感觉在什么地方 _________________ 个人主页：http://blog.sina.com.cn/afirewang

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-12-15 10:33:28 Post subject:

喜欢这感觉, 提.

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-12-16 04:05:34 Post subject:

游旋1 wrote:

我觉得第一句，来得有点突然，甚至有点莫名其妙，嘿嘿！在下胡言乱语，请别见怪。问好朋友！

不胡说！原来前面还是有两句描写的！后来仔细想想感觉可以删了会更好点！不知自己想法错了没有！？还望各位批评！

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-12-16 04:07:13 Post subject:

感谢韩少君迪拜黑雨滴白水 Moonlight几位诗人！！多批评~！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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