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世象百态系列之四:捕蛇人有力地一击!
时东兵
举人


Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 1183
Location: 中国上海
时东兵Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 02:54:34    Post subject: 世象百态系列之四:捕蛇人有力地一击! Reply with quote

世象百态系列之四:

捕蛇人有力地一击!

披着阴谋外衣的蛇
试图用青翠翠的比喻
阻挡光明的穿透
在阴暗的洞内发出凶光
在森林中自导自演了
一出拙劣的闹剧
剥下蛇皮挤掉毒液
餐桌上的一道下酒菜

鬼神故事中的蛇
吓唬不肯入眠的孩童
而现实中的蛇
屡屡诋毁探索的脚步
蛇缠着一棵大树
不知廉耻地为自己立碑

看似凶险的蛇
怎能逃过捕蛇人
有力地一击!

欢迎光临时东兵的博客:http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1246222181
欢迎光临“东方☆文坛”网站(http://xz.netsh.com/eden/bbs/811048/)。
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 17:08:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

第1段写的好

后面2段,有比较多的“说教倾向”

缺少客观的“诗性描述”,不太好。
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-10 20:37:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

披着阴谋外衣的蛇
试图用青翠翠的比喻
阻挡光明的穿透
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-10 23:26:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

披着阴谋外衣的蛇
试图用青翠翠的比喻
阻挡光明的穿透

喜欢
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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金金
进士出身


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 02:34:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 03:53:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

赞同迪拜说!!!
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nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 14:14:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

捕蛇人比蛇凶险。
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I'm nobody! Who are you?
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