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阿依琼裙
秀才


Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 04:34:47    Post subject: 铁 Reply with quote





如果要沉重 不妨成铁



谎言 浮华 夜幕下的霓虹灯

悬起在生活的表面之上

时间侵蚀的手

在锈迹斑斑的纹理中呻吟



淬火 打磨 锻造



升华来自千锤百炼

原始的铁 透着金属的味道

干枯血腥的味道

要剔去刺楞楞的粗砺

纯铁 泛着冷静的光



汗滴 静默 思想



存在 要么比黑暗更黑

要么闪亮

铁 沉重的质量

在水之下 质变的颜色斑斓
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踏过废墟,走来
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 05:33:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

有铁的重量和质感的一首,锤炼的不错,久不见,问好阿琼~
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 08:32:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

阿依, 内涵感觉不错, 如果再柔和点会更完美些. 己见, 问好.
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 12:53:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

要么闪亮

铁 沉重的质量

在水之下 质变的颜色斑斓

《》看到一幅现代画  :)

。。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-09 17:43:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

“主观陈述太多了”

现代诗歌,最看重的是“客观表述”

问好
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上城
进士出身


Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-10 06:16:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

好诗。比铁更冷,比铁更热么。
我愿成铁。银白色的纯铁
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 01:06:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

很好。欣赏。有质感。

问候你。好久不见,出国了吗?
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 14:48:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

阿依,这诗语言有质感,结构也很有创意的。问好!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-12-11 15:04:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
阿依, 内涵感觉不错, 如果再柔和点会更完美些. 己见, 问好.


呵呵,白水,我倒觉得那是个人的语言风格!叫我写东西别太柔和了,我还做不到呢!
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