Maple Review :: View topic - 《睡在怀里的你》、《恨心》两个！！多批评

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

《睡在怀里的你》、《恨心》两个！！多批评

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 03:30:26 Post subject: 《睡在怀里的你》、《恨心》两个！！多批评

《恨心》你的目光咬住我的衣角抽出一条从广州到东莞的程线我们是彼此的胎儿喂养着对方余光中你双手捂住红唇的姿势让我不敢回头只一个劲地走触落门边一树的灰尘车厢内我坐了进角落安静了此刻手机是我唯一的情人你一直的抽泣哭湿了我的眼线拉长了力量越来越大在途中我频频地回首怀疑当初的抉择《睡在怀里的你》你把梦贴在我的胸口让我的心跳承载你一生的幸福月光里你微微笑了我不知你笑什么但我想到了与笑无关的更多比如你为什么喜欢把我的心跳比喻成木鱼声

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 04:42:09 Post subject:

主题是老的，但感觉是新的。支持一个！

游旋1
童生

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 72
Location: 中国-贵州-遵义-凤冈
游旋1Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 08:12:30 Post subject:

呵呵！那是常写常新那。问好 _________________ 用文字结缘拿鸿雁对话

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 16:46:50 Post subject:

喜欢！尤其后一首！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 19:42:43 Post subject:

感谢三位诗人阅读和喜欢！多提意见多批评！晚辈好改进！！期待诗人们指点！子花感谢先

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-11-29 00:54:11 Post subject:

比如你为什么喜欢把我的心跳比喻成木鱼声好感觉 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-11-29 02:05:54 Post subject:

是啊，心跳比喻成木鱼声，有新意。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-29 16:43:43 Post subject:

第二首更灵动.

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-11-29 17:30:05 Post subject:

更喜欢第二首,不错，子花,加油~

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-11-29 17:32:30 Post subject:

有一定的感觉

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-11-30 11:37:20 Post subject:

感谢以上几位诗人鼓励和支持！！我拼了！！！！！！！

南岩
童生

Joined: 19 Mar 2007
Posts: 78
Location: 江西、临川
南岩Collection

Posted: 2007-11-30 14:15:28 Post subject:

哈哈,在哪都看见你,那种诗的感觉很好! _________________ 诗观:用犀利的语言穿越人们的身躯! http://blog.sina.com.cn/nanyanfish

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-12-01 11:26:45 Post subject:

南岩 wrote:

哈哈,在哪都看见你,那种诗的感觉很好! Rolling Eyes

笨鸟先飞嘛！没什么才华就得到处学习！ Laughing

感谢南岩对我的肯定！多来交流！！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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