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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

踏雪寻梅

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白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 05:11:27 Post subject: 踏雪寻梅

踏雪寻梅文/白水小隐于野，大隐于朝惟你, 隐于冬季的雪不敢唤醒春风让我披一身落羽驻足

陈若祥
秀才

Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 05:16:48 Post subject:

＂隐于冬季的雪不敢唤醒春风＂　　短而有味． _________________ ¤当树的叶子再次泛绿，繁华 ¤我们欣赏着一部与你我无关的电影 ¤看着春天悄悄地走来 ¤看着春天延伸在我们的脚下 ◆安徽凤鸣诗社◆http://blog.sina.com.cn/fmshishe

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 06:45:04 Post subject:

不敢唤醒春风让我披一身落羽驻足结句漂亮～

威海
童生

Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 27

威海Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 07:55:57 Post subject:

白水老师的诗很好~~~ 短而有味~~

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2007-11-22 10:38:22 Post subject:

短小精悍 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

kokho
进士出身

Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection

Posted: 2007-11-22 14:22:03 Post subject:

。白羽？。。 _________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:37:21 Post subject:

陈若祥 wrote:

＂隐于冬季的雪
不敢唤醒春风＂
　　短而有味．

到底是老师, 上来就抓诗眼. Very Happy

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:41:57 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

不敢唤醒春风
让我披一身落羽
驻足

结句漂亮～ Very Happy

谢谢月亮. 刚朋友在电话上也聊到此句. Razz

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:42:41 Post subject:

威海 wrote:

白水老师的诗很好~~~

短而有味~~

问好新朋友

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:44:49 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

短小精悍

谢谢PEACE. 读古韵有感, 自然惜字如金了. Wink

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:48:33 Post subject:

kokho wrote:

。

白羽？

。。

谢谢KOK. 曾敲过, 后来改了"落", 以增加动感示雪还在下.
今天也是TORONTO冬天第一场雪. Very Happy

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 17:53:49 Post subject:

事实证明，好诗不在长短。欣赏！ _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-22 20:15:19 Post subject:

谢谢少君鼓励. 问好

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2007-11-23 03:46:00 Post subject:

白水老师好！好话上面几位都说完了。我来谈点个见，供参考：既然是精短之诗，第一句和“梅、雪”关系不大，只起对比作用，似还不够“精”。根据标题看：应该有“踏雪”和“寻梅”的动态，是否有意“隐”了？ _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-11-23 04:02:44 Post subject:

因为有　＂踏雪＂的动在前，才有后来的＂驻足＂，因为＂隐＂，所以才有＂寻＂～～

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-23 06:31:15 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

白水老师好！好话上面几位都说完了。我来谈点个见，供参考：

既然是精短之诗，第一句和“梅、雪”关系不大，只起对比作用，似还不够“精”。

根据标题看：应该有“踏雪”和“寻梅”的动态，是否有意“隐”了？

谢谢道模探讨. 只是别称我老师, 诗歌于我纯属业余爱好. 所谓玩中学, 也是给玩一个自我安慰的理由 Embarassed

个人偏好吧, 抒情无"情",是我欣赏的风格.
说到此, 建议你读读沙漠的这首诗歌:
http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=9564

问好

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-23 06:33:44 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

因为有　＂踏雪＂的动在前，才有后来的＂驻足＂，因为＂隐＂，所以才有＂寻＂～～

谢谢月亮的解读.问好.

qinghongh
榜眼

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2007-11-23 23:09:28 Post subject: Re: 踏雪寻梅

白水 Moonlight wrote:

踏雪寻梅

小隐于野，大隐于朝
惟你, 隐于冬季
的
雪

不敢唤醒春风
让我披一身落羽
驻足

白水兄，现代诗我驻足很少，也很外行。偶尔一来，没想到现代诗让你写得这么短，这么精，你真是个诗精。

我也短两句，让你见笑：

梅的红
雪的白
红白相映
白红相隐
在冬季
梅飘过的香
在春天
雪化成的水
留下了
沉思

白琳
童生

Joined: 29 May 2007
Posts: 75

白琳Collection

Posted: 2007-11-24 06:03:16 Post subject:

诗在短,它都要有结构的完整性,第一句不可以少.

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2007-11-24 06:05:01 Post subject:

学习老师！！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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