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题目待拟
荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-22 03:25:46    Post subject: 题目待拟 Reply with quote

我用整个春的孕育,开启
这份守护。从没算计
守护一株幼苗的繁茂
要干瘪多少

回眸的视线,跟不上季节
我,已瘦过黄花
掩过憔悴的,是幼芽
每一寸新带来的喜

看,花蕾初绽红
我迈向秋,脚步轻盈
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-22 03:27:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

我用整个春的孕育,开启
这份守护。从没算计
守护一株幼苗的繁茂
要干瘪多少

感人的情怀
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-23 00:57:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

一株幼苗有广泛的外延~欣赏,问好荷!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-25 05:32:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
我用整个春的孕育,开启
这份守护。从没算计
守护一株幼苗的繁茂
要干瘪多少

感人的情怀


谢白水评阅!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-25 05:35:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
一株幼苗有广泛的外延~欣赏,问好荷!

谢你的理解!
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彭世学
秀才


Joined: 24 Jun 2007
Posts: 187
Location: 中国
彭世学Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-27 23:13:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

守护是有成效的,是有价值的!问好!!
_________________
认为诗是悬崖上的孤松,栖鸟是她唯一的养料
我的博客:
http://blog.sina.com.cn/pengshixue
《网文荟萃》报:http://bbs.wangwenw.com/index.asp
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-28 14:35:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

从读者的阅读期待来看,希望从“初绽红”中得到审美愉悦。

我个人认为,集中刻画一个鲜明、新颖的意象,才能使读者回想和回味。

当然,这是一种“精典性”的高要求。眼高手才高啊,共勉吧!
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模
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风动
秀才


Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 290

风动Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-28 15:46:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

一边繁茂,一边瘦过黄花。感人的奉献。提读。
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阿依琼裙
秀才


Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-28 17:47:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

脚步轻盈  感觉轻盈
_________________
踏过废墟,走来
http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-28 17:57:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

回眸的视线,跟不上季节
我,已瘦过黄花
掩过憔悴的,是幼芽
每一寸新带来的喜
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-29 01:35:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

彭世学 wrote:
守护是有成效的,是有价值的!问好!!


恩,这也是最后一节的情感基调。回好!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-29 01:46:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

William Zhou周道模 wrote:
从读者的阅读期待来看,希望从中得到审美愉悦。

我个人认为,集中刻画一个鲜明、新颖的意象,才能使读者回想和回味。

当然,这是一种“精典性”的高要求。眼高手才高啊,共勉吧!


谢谢周的中肯指教!你说得很好,受教益了!
我一般很不善拟题。写诗基本率性而成。“初绽红”是我开始写本诗的原动力,但等我码完文字,内容却变了,题目还不知道怎么换。本想将就着用,现在才明白将就不得。
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-29 02:05:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

风动 wrote:
一边繁茂,一边瘦过黄花。感人的奉献。提读。

一位母亲的心语。 Embarassed
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-29 02:16:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

阿依琼裙 wrote:
脚步轻盈  感觉轻盈

呵呵,因为心情愉快!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-29 02:18:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

杨海军 wrote:
回眸的视线,跟不上季节
我,已瘦过黄花
掩过憔悴的,是幼芽
每一寸新带来的喜


问好海军!
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