Maple Review :: View topic - 蚁儿的向度

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

蚁儿的向度

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 00:09:21 Post subject: 蚁儿的向度

蚁儿的向度凉爽的凌晨，有点冷细腰窄背的蚁儿悄悄出门回头向沉睡的蚁巢挥挥手：土下皆黑暗黑暗皆地狱工蚁太累,兵蚁太险我也不爱你了，丰满的蚁王顺着树干向上爬：这是通向天堂的梯我听到了天籁召唤的旋律风把它刮到芍药上：好大的空中花园啊这就是归宿夜夜花香风大了，它又在空中流浪：处处是锦绣处处是家乡处处是天堂 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 03:46:58 Post subject:

这是首旧作？感觉以前读过～

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 04:04:19 Post subject:

风大了，它又在空中飘荡：处处是锦绣处处是家乡处处是天堂将“飘荡”改为“歌唱”就变得轻灵了！个人之见！问候少君兄！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 06:41:17 Post subject:

接受海军建议.改! 问候明月----似曾相识,我的失败! 明月真可爱----直率! _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

柿子
秀才

Joined: 25 Sep 2007
Posts: 137
Location: 中国河南商丘职业技术学院大一
柿子Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 07:37:04 Post subject:

温故而知新。姐姐知道，小弟可不知道哦~~呵呵~~不过，诗中充满了正义感，观察细微，很不错的，加油！那个“飘荡”我认为改为“流浪”好些。因为好照应第一节嘛！个人之见哦！呵呵~~ _________________ 心到、意到。

桔子
秀才

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 14:13:46 Post subject:

诗歌中寓意着美好的向往

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 17:40:15 Post subject:

柿子 wrote:

温故而知新。姐姐知道，小弟可不知道哦~~呵呵~~不过，诗中充满了正义感，观察细微，很不错的，加油！那个“飘荡”我认为改为“流浪”好些。因为好照应第一节嘛！个人之见哦！呵呵~~

女性的知觉一般比较准确，我也觉得流浪比歌唱要好些～

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-10-13 22:19:47 Post subject:

谢各位!改流浪---- _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

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