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[原创双语诗] 两瓣红
William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-04 15:09:28    Post subject: [原创双语诗] 两瓣红 Reply with quote

请大家批评指正.

两瓣红

一横声音
上瓣呓语幸福
下瓣颤抖迷误

一裂伤口
左瓣激动快乐
右瓣沁流痛苦

一抹亘古
天瓣牵开彩霞
地瓣笼燃秋枫

合拢
吞了多少陷身的阳光
绽开
吐出多少血色的春风


Two Petals of Red

A row of voice
Upper petal whisppers happiness
Lower petal shivers error

A fissure of wound
Left petal excites joyance
Right petal drops suffering

A line of eternal
Sky petal opens the rosy clouds
Ground petal burns the maples in Fall

Gather up
Swollow so much sunshine into body
Burst forth
Disgorge so much blood red Spring wind
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
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PostPosted: 2007-10-05 11:52:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

请问:什么是“一横声音”?咳,自知自己本身的语言未能与时俱进,惭愧。

中文的数量词译成英文,也是一个挑战。

以前试着翻译过,自我感觉还行,拿给人看就觉得太单调,monotonous.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-05 14:37:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

此诗有“黄色”内容,故而写得比较隐晦,表达上转了弯,读起来比较困难,不得已而为之,此类诗写得少。
《两瓣红》的声音是人发出的,如要好懂,就写成散文了:“发出声音的两瓣嘴唇是红的横着的”。诗歌是语言的黄金,我就把它提炼成了“一横声音”。身边的诗友可能读惯了我的习作,他们读懂了。
汉诗中数词翻英语的问题,你们有无好的方法?请教了。
感谢 lake 的质疑和指点!
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Lake
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LakeCollection
PostPosted: 2007-10-05 18:29:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢答疑。 看来我不仅是语言落后,思想更是跟不上形势。

玩笑一个,

一横声音 是 A row of voice
一竖笑声 是不是 a column of laughter ?

Laughing
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-10-06 20:06:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

"一竖笑声"是嘴长歪了还是另外哪里发出来的?
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