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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

关于耳朵

齐遂林
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection

Posted: 2006-11-23 19:08:22 Post subject: 关于耳朵

雪花飘飞的时候耳朵是个无家可归的孩子心疼她便想起了梵高是不想听高更的谎言还是不肯再相信女人的承诺耳朵让梵高举起了刀子耳朵抛弃了梵高抛弃了他的向日葵在风雪中流浪着真实的自己 2006年11月24日

和平岛
举人

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection

Posted: 2006-11-23 22:22:48 Post subject:

耳朵是个无家可归的孩子不错但结尾没能更好地提升意境就减弱了 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2006-11-24 02:42:41 Post subject:

欣赏 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

蓝桥
秀才

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 105

蓝桥Collection

Posted: 2006-11-24 02:59:38 Post subject:

令人回味！

婉儿
童生

Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection

Posted: 2006-11-24 07:28:43 Post subject:

很喜欢. 小建议:此诗言简意赅, 最后一句就显赘了点在风雪中流浪着真实的自己可否就留"在风中流浪" 或其他简洁点的句型雪花飘飞的时候耳朵是个无家可归的孩子心疼她便想起了梵高是不想听高更的谎言还是不肯再相信女人的承诺耳朵让梵高举起了刀子耳朵抛弃了梵高抛弃了他的向日葵在风中流浪己见, 不妥见谅

齐遂林
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection

Posted: 2006-11-25 20:15:23 Post subject:

[quote="北方狼"]欣赏[/quote] 谢了

齐遂林
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection

Posted: 2006-11-25 20:16:36 Post subject:

[quote="和平岛"]耳朵是个无家可归的孩子不错但结尾没能更好地提升意境就减弱了[/quote] 谢评点

齐遂林
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection

Posted: 2006-11-25 20:18:48 Post subject:

[quote="蓝桥"]令人回味！[/quote] 我在追求一种简单而富有的风格，望先生多批

齐遂林
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection

Posted: 2006-11-25 20:21:39 Post subject:

[quote="婉儿"]很喜欢. 小建议:此诗言简意赅, 最后一句就显赘了点在风雪中流浪着真实的自己可否就留"在风中流浪" 或其他简洁点的句型雪花飘飞的时候耳朵是个无家可归的孩子心疼她便想起了梵高是不想听高更的谎言还是不肯再相信女人的承诺耳朵让梵高举起了刀子耳朵抛弃了梵高抛弃了他的向日葵在风中流浪己见, 不妥见谅 [/quote] 谢婉儿，我想突出“真实的自己”，空间是否小了？

左岸
秀才

Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection

Posted: 2006-11-26 17:56:01 Post subject:

语感很美，意象鲜活，耳朵是个无家可归的孩子---有意味，还是原装好 _________________ 黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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