William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
 Posted: 2007-10-02 01:18:31 Post subject: [原创双语诗] 神女峰 divine lady peak |
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神 女 峰
真怕你好闻的气息
真怕你施展的魅力
只胆怯地看你一眼
就急忙转身东行
我害怕船过巫峡
再掉头来寻找
——我的心
Divine Lady Peak
Being afraid of your fragrance
Being afraid of your glamour
I only glanced at you
And turned round to east hurriedly
I worry about having to come back
To look for my heart
After going through Wu Gorge on ship
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-10-02 05:44:32 Post subject: Re: [原创双语诗] 神女峰 divine lady peak |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
Divine Lady Peak
Be afraid of your fragrance
Be afraid of your glamour
I only glanced at you
And turn round to east hurriedly
I worry about having to come back
To look for my heart
After going through Wu Gorge on ship |
William,
我在想，Be 在前两行中是否能去掉。 让我马上想到 be quiet! 是一种祈使语气，不是你这首诗的意思。
另外，几个动词，时态不一致。
PS: 你的名字总让我想到都江堰的陈道谟老先生。佩服他！
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-10-02 07:15:46 Post subject: |
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谢 lake 的指点。be, 原来是 being, 现在恢复。 时态问题，我想前两个动词用过去时，第三个用现在时，因为刚过神女峰。
10年前我在都江堰读书就认识了陈道谟先生，他解放前就是有名的诗人。他现在还健在，是我们大家敬重的老师。我几次发表作品都被编辑误署成“周道谟”，可能他的名气太大了吧。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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