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当秋天落在你的水面
天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 01:32:32    Post subject: 当秋天落在你的水面 Reply with quote

当秋天落在你的水面
你的涟漪躲进树影里看不见
秋叶还没有把自己打扮好,成一只只斑驳小船
你是不是已经开始为它们设计飘往远方的旅程
你兴许并不关注过细的细节
你只规划出,此去飘出3000千里
就到了过年年关
过了年关叶子们就该转乘地铁进入地面
再过108天地下旅行,
它们就会跑回来,在枝头上和你再见
到时,你会举起绿色的清酒
把它们一一灌醉,醉的绿绿的。
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 02:11:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

拜读 问好


[ 朋友 要人家凭你的贴,你也要来多来回贴哟。。]


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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 02:38:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

有较新的想象,语感也不错。
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 10:37:32    Post subject: 谢谢两位 Reply with quote

多谢
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 10:39:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

当秋天落在你的水面
你的涟漪躲进树影里看不见

秋叶还没有把自己打扮好,成一只只斑驳小船
你是不是已经开始为它们设计飘往远方的旅程

你兴许并不关注过细的细节
你只规划出,此去飘出3000千里
就到了过年年关

过了年关叶子们就该转乘地铁进入地面
再过108天地下旅行,
它们就会跑回来,在枝头上和你再见

到时,你会举起绿色的清酒
把它们一一灌醉,醉的绿绿的。
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 18:23:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

比较狭窄;第一句完全可以不要!!握个手!欢迎新朋友
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 19:41:47    Post subject: 当秋天落在你水面 Reply with quote

当秋天落在你水面

你的涟漪躲在树影里看不见

你脚轻手轻踮起脚尖对秋叶子们轻声呼喊,

让她们加快速度,把自己打扮成斑驳的小船

你轻轻拿起枝干草枝在水面上画出一道道叶子们远行的路线

一整小风又把它们吹乱

你盘算了盘算,还是不要把行程考虑的那么详细

大概是从此处漂流三千里就到年关

过了年关,在炮竹声声里所有的叶子转乘地铁进入地面

然后在地下潜行108天,回到这枝头相见

到时候,你捧出嫩绿的清酒给叶子开庆功宴

你要把她们一个个灌醉,醉得绿绿的
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 19:45:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

欢迎新朋友花


狭窄,我也不知道该有多宽
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 20:03:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

你怎么一版比一版长, 小声问一句, 有喝酒吗?
记得当初在国内, 几个同事一起出差, 有位平时不说话的先生一喝酒话匣子就打开了 Wink
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 20:07:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

大胆,敢说我灌水,说我灌酒也不行


就是觉的好玩,这个小故事如果让女孩子来写就好了,我写就不好弄太多感情分子在里面
稍稍一多,就觉的软了。
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-22 20:48:45    Post subject: 解说哈 Reply with quote

[img]http://s4.album.sina.com.cn/pic_3/48b9b826020013of[/img]


附一下让俺有感而发的那张图。


这首诗,是想写就要和朝夕相伴的树叶们分离的溪水的心情。

心中开始是忧伤的,但是,她更愿意把树叶们的飘落看作是一次远行,而来年的新叶,其实都是老朋友远归又相聚,
当溪水这样想着想着,我想她该会快乐起来吧。
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天一黑
童生


Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 52

天一黑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-22 20:49:50    Post subject: 实验 Reply with quote

[img]http://s4.album.sina.com.cn/pic_3/48b9b826020013of[/img]
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