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天晴了,我闻到了桂花的清芬
荷梦
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PostPosted: 2007-09-12 05:12:37    Post subject: 天晴了,我闻到了桂花的清芬 Reply with quote

那一场雨
那一场冷脸驱赶夏的雨
终于倦了。眯缝的眼撑裂棉桃
棉花一直白到天上

天很高,很蓝
一朵朵棉花飘荡
荡香了桂花。只是
中秋还有些日子
吴刚的酒还没有酿好
月宫的门还关得很紧很紧

让我们扳着手指
看玉兔逐日开大
偷看的门儿
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-12 05:13:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

才刚刚临屏的,请各位指教!
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韩少君
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PostPosted: 2007-09-12 05:21:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

让我们扳着手指
看玉兔逐日开大
偷看的门儿

奇巧.
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: 2007-09-12 07:30:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

让我们扳着手指
看玉兔逐日开大
偷看的门儿

不错,妙
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: 2007-09-12 21:10:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

临屏的诗歌往往情感更真实.
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 01:50:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

终于倦了。眯缝的眼撑裂棉桃
棉花一直白到天上
。。。
天很高,很蓝
一朵朵棉花飘荡
荡开了桂花。只是
中秋还有些日子

《》都说你有慧根 这种诗歌蒙太奇 你一写就上了塔顶 !!!

lake, 白水, 半溪, 品玉 快来学学 :)

我第一次看到  是在梁积林 那里学到的,他在这里也有发诗 !!!


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荷梦
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 02:47:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢少君、明月、白水评阅!问好!
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荷梦
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 02:54:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho wrote:


看到你的努力,付出 也看到 荷梦一步登天; 
荷梦一向来看我不爽 :)所以我和他说话,没有什么好保留的!


荷梦愚钝,看到你发的那些感慨晕忽忽的,不明白你的那些话是赞我还是损我?荷梦喝的墨水不多,人又懒,因此肚内既无货,又不爱学习。甚至于什么诗歌技巧,什么“蒙太奇”都不很清楚。文字对荷梦来说,重要的是表达,而不是技巧,什么时候想表达就涂鸦几句,不想写就搁笔,写的时候也是高兴怎么写,就怎么写。那些理论对荷梦太高深了,荷梦不懂,也不想懂,随你怎么说,荷梦还是荷梦,没有什么登天不登天的。
荷梦一向来看你不爽吗?天地良心,只一句话,若真那样,当初我就不到这坛子来! Exclamation Exclamation
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 03:05:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

是赞你诗写的好哟 :)

猪八戒照镜 里外我都不是人了 ...

..
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 03:05:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩與禪

http://www.taiwanpoetry.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=19877


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荷梦
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Location: 湖北,黄梅
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 03:13:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho wrote:
是赞你诗写的好哟 :)

猪八戒照镜 里外我都不是人了 ...

..

我才不要你赞呢!你是不是人,跟我没关系!呵呵!
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 12:12:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

咳咳。。。被点名,不论是好点名还是坏点名,总让人有种惊吓的感觉。。。
大家都说这首诗好,那就是好了,管它是临屏还是蒙太奇,好就是好。可又说不出怎么个好法,只是觉得读起来很舒适,很美丽,很亲切。那,Kokho 这不是来了个理论和实践相结合吗:棉桃 ,棉花,桂花—诗歌蒙太奇。让我等 时习之,不亦悦乎。

读过几首荷梦的诗,给我最深刻的印象就是,荷梦的诗和生活,和大自然 联系非常紧密,自然,不做作,贴近读者(我)。
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hepingdao
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 13:16:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

很清新

Very Happy
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杨海军
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PostPosted: 2007-09-13 23:17:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

一场雨
那一场冷脸驱赶夏的雨
终于倦了。眯缝的眼撑裂棉桃
棉花一直白到天上
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
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hepingdao
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PostPosted: 2007-09-14 07:39:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗歌的讨论,仅限于诗歌本身

而内部事物, 请在内部讨论

谢谢

和平岛
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溪语
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Joined: 16 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2007-09-14 08:39:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

应该算是不错的.
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