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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

七绝观尼亚加拉大瀑布

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司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-08-30 14:19:52 Post subject: 七绝观尼亚加拉大瀑布

七绝观尼亚加拉大瀑布 ***司马策风天兵雪马下云烟，激战千年鼓未眠。雷浪穿空石雨落，嫦娥惊见舞姿颠。 2004，5 _________________ 《北美枫》司马策风文集 http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676

戴玨
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection

Posted: 2007-08-30 14:44:35 Post subject:

前半好。 _________________ I labour by singing light 我的blog 我的專欄

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2007-08-30 19:33:22 Post subject:

司马,气势磅礴,尤其首联佳句也! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-09-05 17:35:10 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

司马,气势磅礴,尤其首联佳句也!
步韵和诗一首,请指导:

....观瀑....
< 七绝 >

万马奔腾荡白烟 ,
千年鼓角未曾眠 ,
九天惊雷纵飞电 ,
百丈银虹挂壑颠 .

兄之诗句应当说精彩。前两句不如我的前两句。你的后两句尤其精彩。如果将你的后两句和我的后两句相比，甚至更好。但考虑到诗歌的整体意境和气韵，我还是只能说愚弟略胜一筹。

感谢你的阅评和深情唱和。握个！
_________________
《北美枫》司马策风文集

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白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2007-09-05 18:22:30 Post subject:

司马兄,分析得好! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

游向高原的鱼
秀才

Joined: 20 May 2007
Posts: 382

游向高原的鱼Collection

Posted: 2007-09-05 22:53:21 Post subject:

二位大作各有特色！ _________________ 人生乃是一面镜子，在其中认识自己。

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2007-09-06 12:49:23 Post subject:

谢谢游向高原的鱼! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

菩提子
童生

Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 32

菩提子Collection

Posted: 2007-09-06 17:56:32 Post subject:

唱和俱佳!

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2007-09-06 18:16:12 Post subject:

观司马兄白云兄之大作，颇受启发，想起了我观尼亚加拉瀑布写的一首五律，忆写出来，请不吝指教。万马奔腾急千雷滚滚鸣，银河惊泻下，众水突驰行，雪浪随波立，彩虹逐雾横，我来观此景，胸荡浩然情。， _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-09-06 19:52:36 Post subject:

黄洋界 wrote:

观司马兄白云兄之大作，颇受启发，想起了我观尼亚加拉瀑布写的一首五律，忆写出来，请不吝指教。

万马奔腾急千雷滚滚鸣，

银河惊泻下，众水突驰行，

雪浪随波立，彩虹逐雾横，

我来观此景，胸荡浩然情。

老兄此五律相当精彩。最两句可能多少有点为了完成“八句”之数而为，个

人以为，若做他想，极可能更上层楼。

个见，未必成熟。是为诗友间探讨耳。

，

_________________
《北美枫》司马策风文集

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黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2007-09-07 08:12:06 Post subject:

司马兄指出最后两句有凑数之嫌,谢谢赐教. 写这首小诗时,觉得前六句似乎把大瀑布的状态和撼人心魄的声势都写了, 所以最后一联未作他想,就直书观感了,这样似乎直白了点. _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2007-09-07 11:47:33 Post subject:

黄洋界兄,五律把瀑布的壮观描写得生动撼人,很好! 有下列几点供互相切磋: (1) 众水突驰行 --- 众水不易理解,建议为:天水落云层,也有利于与上句词意的扩展; (2) 雪浪随波立 --- "浪"随"波"有赘感; (3) 彩虹逐雾横 --- "彩"为仄声,仄声坐平位,建议为:霓虹逐雾横; (4) 我来观此景 --- 建议为:身临世壮景.有利与上三联的转乘,克服为揍八句之感觉,亦与结句胸荡浩然情相呼应. 不成熟,仅供磋商. _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2007-09-07 13:16:33 Post subject:

诚谢白云兄赐教,如此切磋,有利于提高. 白云兄意见,十分中肯,再次谢谢. _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2007-09-07 17:43:04 Post subject:

黄洋界兄,今后,多相互交流,多抒怀畅言,多共同坛进. _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-09-07 17:46:06 Post subject:

进来学两招

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-09-08 16:55:56 Post subject:

欢迎各位高手前来过招。 _________________ 《北美枫》司马策风文集 http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-09-08 17:48:55 Post subject:

司马大人叫阵, 哪敢不应. 临屏草和七绝<好吃街> 铜锅铁铲冒油烟夜半厨娘却未闲爆蟹葱香鱼滚水回川食客乐颠颠

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-09-08 17:56:42 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

司马大人叫阵, 哪敢不应. 临屏草和
七绝<好吃街>
铜锅铁铲冒油烟
夜半厨娘却未闲
爆蟹葱香鱼滚水
回川食客乐颠颠
Very Happy

已经嗅到白大厨师炒出的香味了。你如此熟悉川菜和好吃街，莫非也是我的

老乡川人，或者去过成都重庆？
_________________
《北美枫》司马策风文集

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白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-09-08 18:01:55 Post subject:

两地都去过, 且贪吃. 常常被辣的鼻涕眼泪一起流

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 08:00:54 Post subject: 五律观尼亚加拉瀑布

五律观尼亚加拉瀑布遵司马兄白云兄的意见，将拙作作了一下修改，再次请教。万马奔腾急千雷滚滚鸣银河惊泻下巨艇突驰行大浪乘风立长虹逐雾横临流凝望眼胸荡浩然情 _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

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