白云闲人
探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
 Posted: 2007-09-06 13:12:00 Post subject: 送秋光 |
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| ....送 秋 光.... |
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菩提子
童生
Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 32
菩提子Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-06 18:25:06 Post subject: |
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| 工整,流畅! |
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莹雪
进士出身
Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-07 00:03:08 Post subject: |
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| 韵律幽雅，对仗工整。好词。 |
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莹雪
进士出身
Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-07 00:04:27 Post subject: |
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| 菩提子 wrote: |
工整,流畅,寓意深长.尤其过片两句:"片片残花随水去,丝丝华发伴君留"对偶用得妙!
也依韵和一首浣溪沙,请笑纳.
浣溪沙
一缕残霞隐小楼, 雁鸣天际不回头, 浮云掠影月含羞.
木叶纷纷轻浪卷, 岁痕悄悄玉颜留, 人生天地一扁舟. |
欢迎菩提子！ |
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白云闲人
探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-07 11:56:35 Post subject: |
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谢谢莹雪之点评, 菩提子的深情唱和, "人生天地一扁舟"佳句也!
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诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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黄洋界
探花
Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-07 13:46:17 Post subject: |
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白云兄送秋而不伤秋,虽有几分惆怅,却也十分潇洒.
上阕的"染"字似乎与"咽"字不相应,可否换成"叹"字.
供您参考.
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喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰 |
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白云闲人
探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-07 18:02:04 Post subject: |
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黄洋界兄,我用"染"字的用意是: 断鸿的声声鸣咽把秋色更染上一重萧索凄清的冷感. 与下一句"孤云寂寞映山头"遥相呼应!
谢谢你的指导!
_________________
诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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征尘载袖
秀才
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 527
Location: 臭豆腐作坊
征尘载袖Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-08 02:12:36 Post subject: |
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昨夜阴阴雨乍收，乱蛩辞燕别成秋，塘蛙独自立桥头。
流水落花依旧去，按毫飞墨许谁留，火炉烟袅紫砂瓯。
^_^
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