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<<我和你 在村庄外>>
韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 13:38:33    Post subject: <<我和你 在村庄外>> Reply with quote

我和你 在村庄外

由杨柳 向日葵和姑娘组成村庄
由牛羊 猫狗和喜鹊组成空气
由我和你
组成仇 和恨

一个村东
一个村西
我们相识
互不言语

狭路相逢也表情木然
紧扣牙齿
那两个温暖的字
成了各自牙逢里的
两粒 生米

这是诞生我的村庄
也必是终了你的村庄
在众多的幸福的人群里
都没有我 和你

_________________
靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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新华
秀才


Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 225

新华Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 17:05:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

在众多的幸福的人群里
都没有我 和你
娓娓道来,蕴含哲理,不惑之言。远握。
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爱松
秀才


Joined: 28 May 2007
Posts: 208
Location: 中国昆明
爱松Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 17:28:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

蕴涵哲理,喜欢。
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 18:57:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

第二节:

"我们相识,却不言语"可以不用

最后一节:

"必是终了你的村庄"不妨改为"也可能是...."

最后1行,可以改为:

"找不到另外两个影子"

得罪!
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冯六一
童生


Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Posts: 18
Location: 湖南岳阳
冯六一Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 19:18:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好!
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临水人洁 近荷心香
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-06 21:25:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

只有仇和恨,没有爱和恨?
Very Happy
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-07 17:13:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

那两个温暖的字
成了各自牙逢里的
两粒 生米


SAY OUT Wink
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-08 00:15:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

由我和你
组成仇 和恨

——何必!时间会过滤出美好的回忆!
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诗是人生的雅伴儿。
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-08 14:14:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

向各位致谢!
_________________
靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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