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Brick Kiln Blues With Music (edited) 加上了新音乐,请提意见
Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-27 12:00:07    Post subject: Brick Kiln Blues With Music (edited) 加上了新音乐,请提意见 Reply with quote

Brick Kiln Blues
--- Child Slaves



It’s June, the sun shines, the sky is blue
Yet deep in the mountains, nothing sifts through
There’s no sunlight here, my child, there’s no sunlight here

On the road side by the train station
A stranger lured you with temptation
He’s gonna sell you, my child, he’s gonna sell you

The moon’s still up, the cock hasn't crowed
You are beaten ‘cause you’re tired and slow
But you work fifteen hours a day, my child, you work fifteen hours a day

In the river there swims a buffalo
For years, your skin diseased, eyes shallow
They won’t let you bathe, my child, they won’t let you bathe

The bricks you’ve baked a year
Made the owner a millionaire
Who pays you not a penny, my child, who pays you not a penny

Grass withers in winter, anew in spring
Everyday’s the same to you with a bell-ring
You can't go home, my child, you can't go home

Run in the forest, soaked in night dew
Guards and dogs are lookin’ for you
If caught, you’re dead, my child, if caught, you’re dead

“Why don’t you ask for help?” some say
"Officials should send the evil-minded to jail."
But they sing the same tune, my child, they sing the same tune

.
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William Zhou周道模
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PostPosted: 2007-08-27 16:14:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

赞赏 Lake: 1、语言、诗句不复杂,一读就懂,适合这个题材;
2、有人物、情节,吸引读者的阅读兴趣;
3、诗人的同情化入咏叹的诗行和语调中了,易感人;
4、对人性中丑恶的揭露和对社会阴暗面的批判是“愤”而不“怒”, 把诗歌和同题新闻拉开了距离。
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-08-28 11:04:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

the cock’s not to crow  ?

。。
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-28 19:15:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

William, 你是语文老师吧,像是写评语似的。 开玩笑。

读起来是简单了,而且每段的第三行有些还不够力量。
不过确实是想用一种 poignant 语调语气, 很高兴,你也感受到了。

谢谢赞赏。
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-28 19:25:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho wrote:
the cock’s not to crow  ?

。。


Rolling Eyes

Any problems with the use of diction or the expression?
I know this piece is not your taste.

我愚钝,请明示。 多谢! Smile
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-08-28 22:31:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

country song Smile

..
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-29 05:54:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho wrote:
country song Smile

..


没办法,最近上了贼船,只有摇啊摇,逆流而上...


yes, a song... but supposed to be sorrowful, not playful.

Blues have helped shape virtually all the major styles of contemporary pop--jazz, rap, rock, gospel, country... and influenced modern poets.

"It is from the blues that all that may be called American music derives its most distintive characteristic."--James Weldon Johnson

I have never thought I could be able to write anything like a song eventhough it sounds like crap...
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William Zhou周道模
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PostPosted: 2007-08-29 06:28:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

答复 Lake : 我早期是学语文的,后来又学英语,最主要的是我从诗歌的语感语气中去理解诗人的立意。
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-29 17:55:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

“the cock’s not to crow“

嗯,听起来不顺 ? 我本来是写成这样的:

the cock has not crowed

How about that?
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-08-29 17:56:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

William Zhou周道模 wrote:
答复 Lake : 我早期是学语文的,后来又学英语,最主要的是我从诗歌的语感语气中去理解诗人的立意。


怪不得。现在教什么呢?
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-09-06 17:40:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

作了点改动。

It's not a country song, but a blue song.
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-09-18 07:15:34    Post subject: Reply with quote



I posted it on an English Forum and then an Aussie friend came up and offered to have a go putting some music to it. Now here it is. See how you like it.

Brick Kiln Blues

It’s June, the sun shines, the sky is blue
Yet deep in the mountains, nothing sifts through
There’s no sunlight here, my child, there’s no sunlight here

On the road side by the railway station
A stranger lured you with temptation
He’s gonna sell you, my child, he’s gonna sell you

The moon’s still up, the cock hasn't crowed
You're being whipped ‘cause you’re tired and slow
But you work fifteen hours a day, my child, fifteen hours a day

In the river there swims a buffalo
Your skin diseased, your eyes shallow
They won’t let you bathe, my child, they won’t let you bathe

Those bricks you’ve baked for over a year
They made the owner a millionaire
He pays you not a penny, my child, you work for no pay

Grass withers in winter, renews in the spring
It's the same every day, you hear the bell ring
But you cannot go home, my child, you cannot go home

Run in the forest, soaked in night dew
Guard dogs baying are lookin’ for you
If you're caught, you’re dead, my child, if they catch you, you’re dead

"Ask the authorities for help?” some say
"They should put these evil men in jail."
But they sing the same tune, my child, they sing the same tune


My deepest gratitude to Dave!
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-09-20 13:08:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

good work...

I wrote something on this also long long time ago.

Let me see whether I could find them ...

..
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-10-08 13:39:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

请欣赏并提意见。谢谢!
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William Zhou周道模
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PostPosted: 2007-10-08 14:57:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

第一次看见歌词我就感觉到是咏叹调,现在音乐出来了,果然如此。听了,欣赏了,就像这十来天阴雨愁云般的忧伤。顺回:教了20年的高中英语,现主要是读书、旅游、上网、写作、翻译、喝酒。是自由的宠儿,是时间的富翁;是文学的恋人,是翻译的学徒!
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