Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
 Posted: 2007-08-27 13:43:49 Post subject: Haiku (61-70) |
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61
children play nearby
a snake slithers out of bush
I hold my breath
62
dis, dat, de other
that’s getting too technical
let’s play tic- tac-toe
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are
But create ourselves
66
Sentences shattered
like the bridge collapsed in MN
shivering in shock
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek
68
scattered reflections
even though recollected
hard to smooth the scar
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy
70
Around the corner
a branch of cherry blossoms
heralds a new spring
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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hepingdao
Site Admin
Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106
hepingdaoCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-27 15:47:31 Post subject: |
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simplicity is a form of beauty
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-28 11:16:05 Post subject: |
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63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ]
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow]
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-28 19:29:30 Post subject: |
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| hepingdao wrote: |
| simplicity is a form of beauty |
Thanks for stopping by and dropping the minimal words.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-28 19:45:32 Post subject: |
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| kokho wrote: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
| kokho wrote: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
| kokho wrote: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
| kokho wrote: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose. 
| kokho wrote: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow] 
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve?
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-28 22:37:46 Post subject: |
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| Lake wrote: |
| kokho wrote: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
< a turmoiling mind > 5-7-5 {you need the surprise  }
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
| kokho wrote: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
< you always need the surprise and insight on the last line ! >
| kokho wrote: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
< It is all about the thought process which the haiku invokes.. >
| kokho wrote: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose.
| kokho wrote: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow]
< 1 - state of his mind ; 2 - the brow is the white fox !!! >
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve? |
Knock your head ! ... and then say "bang" ;0
One does not write Haiku to depict... in contra haiku is to shock !!
.
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-08-29 15:50:33 Post subject: |
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I am so interested in your discussions,thank you!
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-29 18:01:00 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| I am so interested in your discussions,thank you! |
Please join in!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-08-29 18:34:17 Post subject: |
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跟着偷懒，涂红了。
| kokho wrote: |
| Lake wrote: |
| kokho wrote: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
< a turmoiling mind > 5-7-5 {you need the surprise }
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
' a tranquil mind' is focused on 'tranquility', so even in silence a person with such mind can hear the sound. 'a turmoil mind' is a sharp contrast of calmness, disturbing, the activity of the mind is like the undercurrent under the calm water..
| kokho wrote: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
[color=green]< you always need the surprise and insight on the last line ! >
'a golden sea' is pretty predictable - a field of daffodils.
"through buzzing insects" IS a surprising line where one can also feel the action - the bees, butterflies ...are stirred and take off.
| kokho wrote: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
< It is all about the thought process which the haiku invokes.. >
Different people see different things looking into the mirror...
| kokho wrote: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose.
| kokho wrote: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow]
< 1 - state of his mind ; 2 - the brow is the white fox !!! >
Multi meanings - yeah, the state of the mind, the brow (a kind of scary lol)
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve? |
Knock your head ! ... and then say "bang" ;0
Don't knock too hard, that's going to make one dizzy .
One does not write Haiku to depict... in contra haiku is to shock !![/color]
. |
Thanks for the frequent reminder.
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-09-17 02:06:00 Post subject: |
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回 Lake:
我 8 月 30 日去了新疆，现在才回来，所以未能加入讨论，遗憾！
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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