The Moment

[Lake]

The Moment

the air, fishy and stuffy
mosquitoes buzzing
insects crawling
in an agitated sleep
she tossed and turned

with a startled cry
suddenly, she felt like riding
on a roller coaster
being hurled from side to side

by instinct
she threw herself
over her little sister

off the roof fell a beam
leaning towards them
dust rose, swirl upon swirl
they gasped heavily for air

a shaky voice from mom
penetrated through the darkness
"mom's coming to save us", she mumbled
while groping for an opening
then out they climbed

standing on the debris where
a moment ago sunflowers grew
she thought to herself

I must've done something good
I must've done something good
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

这首 非常好 你终于明白 诗歌是怎么回事 ！！

This is very very good, You finally understand what poetry is about!

Manipulation of Imagery ...


!!!
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

无心插柳啊。

在 Ominous Signs 里我也是很注意 使用images，怎么就没效果呢？
能否展开分析一下？

谢谢！
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

I will read again, currently on project in China...

very busy
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

（听了其他人的意见，再来修改。删减得好痛啊，却达到了减肥效果，开心。）

The Moment

the air, fishy and stuffy
insects probing
in an agitated sleep
she was restless as the land

with a startled cry
suddenly, she was on a roller coaster
in waves, Earth trembled

by instinct
she threw herself
over her little sister

off the roof fell a beam
leaning towards them
dust rose, swirl upon swirl
they gasped for air

a shaky voice from mom
penetrated the darkness
"mom's coming to save us", she mumbled
groping for an opening
out they climbed

standing on the debris where
a moment ago sunflowers grew
she thought to herself :

I must've done something good
I must've done something good

.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

This latest is very much better... Actually the best amongst your English poems.

The words befit a small child's mindset.

Your poem consist of multiple movements, the beginning, follow-up, transition and finally the ending and manifestation. You are getting to structure now...

And most of all it carries the optimism which is badly required nowadays !!!



Well done and keep it coming ...

.
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

Thanks Kokho for your reread and generous comment.

I am having a writer's block right now.


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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

Ominous Signs　－ The story is too simple and less touching.

In this one, the weakling and surrounding images and how they develop and achieve safety through self-struggle has a much richer story and development...

Thus is much more appealing !

.
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

谢谢 Kokho 对我这首小诗不厌其烦地反复讲评，不感动都不行。
我再琢磨琢磨。

Many thanks!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[William Zhou周道模]

i can only read the poem, listen to your discussion, learn to write english
poems. thank all of you!
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模