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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

我的口语化诗《童年的木刀》

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-27 16:45:29 Post subject: 我的口语化诗《童年的木刀》

童年的木刀兴兴、贵贵顺利红珍儿．．．．．．每人一把木刀指着那个坏蛋坐在地上哭泣着的孩子他不想当坏蛋想当公安当公安得有木刀啊他从木匠房里偷了一块木头但爸爸不在了妈妈哭了她的秃手打不开木头的门她把木头递给兴兴兴兴说了一句秃爪子兴灾乐祸地跑远了从那时起我开始恨兴兴一直恨到现在从那时起我崇拜张二那个满脸麻子的老木匠他几下就让一把刀从木头里蹦出来他后来成了我爹多少年我心里珍藏着那把刀珍藏着心里的恨和爱像桨更像翅膀去年，兴兴没了他开枪拒捕时被警察打死了今年爹去了我在他柜子里找到那把刀找到他当年爱情的信物承载着我儿时的尊严我看见它被爹新涂了银浆光芒有些刺眼像是一把真刀 _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-28 02:04:21 Post subject:

呵呵，一种有益的尝试。我觉得诗歌口语化其实也未尝不可，白居易的诗当初肯定也是挺口语化的。

上城
进士出身

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection

Posted: 2007-07-28 03:41:34 Post subject:

有些当坏蛋的想法。没有刀的人往往握有真刀。 _________________ 每个诗人都很重要

金金
进士出身

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection

Posted: 2007-07-29 02:46:25 Post subject:

描述情节，是诉说还是描述—— 把这俩关系弄好就能取得力量！ _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/shirenjinjin

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-29 15:25:46 Post subject:

荷梦 wrote:

呵呵，一种有益的尝试。我觉得诗歌口语化其实也未尝不可，白居易的诗当初肯定也是挺口语化的。

谢荷梦支持！！问好！！
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-29 15:26:38 Post subject:

伤城 wrote:

有些当坏蛋的想法。没有刀的人往往握有真刀。

呵呵。问好伤城兄！！
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-29 15:27:16 Post subject:

金金 wrote:

描述情节，是诉说还是描述——
把这俩关系弄好就能取得力量！

说得好！谢金金诗人！！
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

郭兴军
童生

Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 96
Location: 中国陕西
郭兴军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-29 17:09:33 Post subject:

“光芒有些刺眼像是一把真刀” 好！逝去的美丽而忧伤。 _________________ 胜者为王。

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-30 14:52:35 Post subject:

谢诗人．远握！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

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