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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

人间烟火

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-15 18:03:11 Post subject: 人间烟火

这个夏日上午天阴,有风。日志仍在重复：洗衣,拖地,买菜,做饭…… 外带，辅导孩子学习同时，为秋天打底稿稿纸上，蓝田玉开始冒烟偷一个瞬间拧动电扇，扇向一个石榴花开的季节那时，榴花似火我的目光，常越过房檐跨过树梢，飞向云端双翼洁白。远离人间烟火

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-07-15 18:13:56 Post subject:

我的目光，常越过房檐跨过树梢，飞向高空双翼洁白。远离人间烟火好境界.

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-15 18:23:25 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

我的目光，常越过房檐
跨过树梢，飞向高空
双翼洁白。远离
人间烟火

好境界.

---少年时代的心比天高。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-07-16 08:28:22 Post subject:

欣赏后一段,问好荷梦~

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-16 23:31:53 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

欣赏后一段,问好荷梦~

——那是少年的梦，有几人能远离人间烟火？最终不还是在生活中，安享人间烟火？只是在生活的间隙，偶尔回想起那个榴花似火的季节，不知是不是生活的讽刺？

王国京
童生

Joined: 16 Jul 2007
Posts: 35

王国京Collection

Posted: 2007-07-17 00:59:18 Post subject:

诗意的美!升华的美!来自人间烟火!

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-07-17 03:21:21 Post subject:

有些口语化的味道.这样的诗不好写!!问候诗人!! _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-17 04:10:06 Post subject:

谢王国京、杨海军两位朋友评阅！还望多多斧正！

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-07-18 22:58:18 Post subject:

人在世俗，诗不可俗；生活平庸，歌不可庸。问候荷梦！ _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-25 18:59:46 Post subject:

韩少君 wrote:

人在世俗，诗不可俗；生活平庸，歌不可庸。问候荷梦！

谢谢指点,修改了一下.
问好!

kino
秀才

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 411
Location: beijing
kinoCollection

Posted: 2007-07-25 19:07:43 Post subject: Re: 人间烟火

荷梦 wrote:

同时榨出些汗滴，干枯青春

——这一句是不是可以在婉转些？

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-07-26 01:20:03 Post subject:

谢谢kino指点！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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