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新的!诗人们批评!!!
子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 00:14:35    Post subject: 新的!诗人们批评!!! Reply with quote

<<雷雨夜>>
天顶漂浮的石块
撞击出的火花 闪现它们的力量
站立在顶天立地的一线光芒中
我的身影镶嵌在黑夜的闪电
它们像我的咆哮
深夜的狼嚎 呼唤遥远的山峰
山峰上骚动的野性

雨水打湿了毛发 从眼角流出
一个电闪雷鸣配合升起的双手
海平面沿着雨中的火焰上升
我不停地抖动双手
用力量提起的一曲交响乐
在天空演奏
万家灯火熄灭 他们在享受
持久的高潮 让大地停止了呼吸

它们是有生命的 像一匹极速的快马
当我点燃它们的时候
就只能偶尔把个方向
它们渐渐远去
我像一个被遗弃的婴儿漂浮在黑夜的大海
被一股神秘的力量暗暗支撑
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 06:31:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

急风骤雨般的思绪
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 09:00:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

强悍呀
Laughing

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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 09:16:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

流畅急速~ Very Happy
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 13:37:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

我像一个被遗弃的婴儿漂浮在黑夜的大海
被一股神秘的力量暗暗支撑
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 20:12:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

几位诗人吝啬呀!!!连批评都不肯给句~~
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 20:16:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

子花 wrote:
几位诗人吝啬呀!!!连批评都不肯给句~~


给点吧. Wink 激情, 张力都足够,稍稍柔一点, 或更显张驰有度? 己见, 探讨. Embarassed
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-12 20:36:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水诗人问好!!有道理!!现在要柔下来有点下不了手----大手术!感谢你的意见~~~~~~
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黑牙
童生


Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 54

黑牙Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-15 00:20:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

叙述很好,句式完整,虽然用词还欠技巧,但激情已现。

提起``
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有一个位置,我从来都没有找到。
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-15 18:48:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

黑牙 wrote:
叙述很好,句式完整,虽然用词还欠技巧,但激情已现。

提起``


大师!多指教!!学习中!
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